Please comment on my task 2 essay and give me feedback

[dennis1989]

TOPIC:
Advertisements of toys and snacks will have negative influence on kids as well as their family, so the government should restrict those publications on media. To what extent do you agree or disagree?


ANSWER:

With the advent of technology, the multimedia plays a pivotal role in daily life. But at the same time, more people start to concern the negative impacts of too much toy and snack advertisements on kids. To my way of thinking, it is a smart idea to establish a set of strict publication policies.

Admittedly, advertisement of any kinds could promote the various products and stimulate the local consumption. Also advertisement of toys and snacks would provide information to those parents on how to occupy or calm down their kids with latest products. However, we could now overlook the negative effects created by too much advertisements promoting on such products.

To be more precise, too much exposure to those toys and snacks would mislead the kids because of, to a large degree, their natural curiosity and immaturity. Those attractive advertisements on snacks would compel young children losing their interests and habits in daily food consumption, which is the source of nutrition and energy. Thus it would be linked to healthy problems such as obesity. Same to those toys promotion might cause that children neglect and distract the pursuit of academic knowledge.

On the other hand, the compelling advertisements would encourage the children and their family to buy in bulk, which put a heavy burden on the shoulders of low-income families. Statistics has revealed that expense on toys in families with kids would take up to 10% of their daily cost; what is worse, most of the toys are only played twice or less, which is a great waste of resources.

In conclusion, the widespread of advertisements on toys and snacks indeed generated quite a few negative impacts on young kids, which calls on the government to take the initiatives to put on more strict policies regulating its publication and exposure to those immature children.

[dennis1989]

PLZ…..

[VoidGuard]

Hello dennis1989. It is good to mention in the introduction about why you think in this way. For example, you may write: "To my way of thinking, it is a smart idea to establish a set of strict publication policies. This will be shown by analyzing POINT#1 as well as POINT#2".
The second paragraph does not make any sense for me. You are not asked about whether advertisement stimulates consumption or not. It is offtopic. Also you have mentioned how advertisement helps to parents; however in the introduction you argue that advertisement must be restricted. So your opinion is unclear for me. I am really confused.
Also I think "On the other hand" is a bad phrase for an opinion essay. This is a controversial phrase. It is more common for a question like "Discuss both sides".
I think in the conclusion you should summarize every your ideas. Also you need to emphasize your opinion again.

P.S. Sorry for my English, it is quite bad I think, this is why I am not going to correct your grammar