Evaluate the essay of 26th October 2013

[sabid79]

Some people say that it is very important to spend time to develop a successful career. Others say, it is important to spend time with friends and family.

Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Time is a crucial component of life. Some are of the view that to develop a successful career it is appropriate to spend time. While others believe that spending time with friends and family is important. In my opinion, it is important to spend time with friends and family. But, one cannot deny the importance of time building a career.

To begin, many people consider that spending time with friends and family brings happiness and healthiness in one’s life. Parents spend time with children and share their life experiences which help in proper upbringing and making them noble members of the society. They believe that their wealth is friends and families. Recent studies showed that individuals who spend more time with their families are healthier and active.

On the other hand, some people relate successful career to joy and fitness. For them spending time on developing an effective career is the most important factor in living a generous life. They think that a successful career open doors for prosperity. When interviewed lately on career development, many recent graduates shared that a successful career can increase their wealth. They can provide better education to their children and lead a good life.

To conclude, in light of the assessment of both views, this topic is still debatable. It depends on the priority of individuals that how important they consider spending time with either development of career or with friends and families. It is evident that a suitable balance must be maintained in this regards.

[bunni015]

Hi ,

Here is how I attempted the same task.

It is irrefutable that spending time wisely can help people to plan their career, building and maintaining either personal or social relationships. In this process, the option between designing future or being sociable person depends on the age and time. However, the variations of mindset during the course of life changes and people might revert back to latter option or vice versa.

Every age has its own significant importance in every humans life. For toddlers, playing with other toddlers amuses them. In late 19th century every father advised their adolescents about society, people and its importance. Contrastly, in early 2000 every teenager was ambitious about learning arts for example: music, painting, dance. It was the same period, where I never had a clue about what does a ‘career’ mean. So, at young age, it is the time to bag as many skills as one can and have fun with kith and kin.

Now that after a bundle of skills are bagged, the next is adulthood. The most important and crucial stage for almost everyone for planning, thinking about their career. This is the time to showcase the various skills and achievements and accomplishments. Hence, it is apparent that at adulthood most of them would spend time in planning and building their future.

The baby-boomer and septuagenarian are eldest and most honourables people in the society. These elderly like to talk and recollect their memories and spend almost the whole time either with family or their childhood friends. Thus, at this time people have ample time to spend time and to socialize.

After examining different behaviours at each stage and age of life it can be understood that people might have different opinions about deciding between career or personal life. However, I believe that every stage of life gives an opportunity to choose between family or career. All is that one has to take a right step to stay ahead in the life.

Total word count 323

Regards,
Bunni

[sabid79]

Hi Bunni,

What band did you get in the essay?

[bunni015]

SIX in Writing

[sabid79]

I got 5.5 in writing. But I did not write this essay in exam. I am now working to get something above 7.

Your essay seems to be good but here is my observation:

1. TR is good.
2. LR is very good. You have used excellent words.
3. CC is not very clear
4. GR is ok

Overall your essay is good but does not give a clear message. Some sentences are confusing and are out of the way.

Can you rate my essay.

[bunni015]

Are you preparing for General or Academic?

[bunni015]

Yes Ill post by 9 PM IST

[sabid79]

General

[bunni015]

Time is a crucial component of life[<--- I think time is not a part of life, but it has a role to play. I felt you should reform this sentence]. Some are of the view that to develop a successful career it is appropriate to spend time. While others believe that spending time with friends and family is important[<--- Instead of re-phrasing the statements in question, you should put some more information based on the first sentence]. In my opinion, it is important to spend time with friends and family[<--- Whenever you are discussing both sides of the subject your should state your opinion at the end of essay. However, in argument type essay you should clearly support either one of the ideas at the beginning i.e. introduction paragraph ]. But, one cannot deny the importance of time building a career[<--- here again, you are providing a generalized statement, after stating your opinion. You should have included this just before your opinion. It represents lack of coherence].

To begin, many people consider that spending time with friends and family brings happiness and healthiness in one’s life[<--- So, the next 4 to 5 sentences must brief about happiness and healthiness]. Parents spend time with children and share their life experiences which help in proper upbringing and making them noble members of the society[<--- Deviation from the key aspects of the topic statement. You started writing about experiences, raising and behavior of children]. They believe that their wealth is friends and families[<---- Confusing, no dependency on the prior sentence. How come sharing experiences with only children made them draw a conclusion. ]. Recent studies showed that individuals who spend more time with their families are healthier and active[<--- This seems like you are sharing some facts; this should be your 2nd or 3rd sentence in body paragraph 1 ].

On the other hand, some people relate successful career to joy and fitness[Instead of joy and fitness which are nothing but the synonyms of happy and healthy, you could have stated about achievements and accomplishments.]. For them spending time on developing an effective career is the most important factor in living a generous life. They think that a successful career open doors for prosperity. When interviewed lately on career development, many recent graduates shared that a successful career can increase their wealth[<--- I could not interpret what exactly you mean by ‘lately’ ]. They can provide better education to their children and lead a good life.

To conclude, in light of the assessment of both views, this topic is still debatable. It depends on the priority of individuals that how important they consider spending time with either development of career or with friends and families. It is evident that a suitable balance must be maintained in this regards.

Before I express my opinions about your writing, be aware that, even I am also in the cycle of learning process. Sometimes, the suggestions what I expressed might not be true. So, to let you know that the above/below opinions are purely based on my knowledge levels and experience.These are not meant to put your motivation levels in gloom, but consider them as an opportunity to nail them.

Firstly,let me jot down the weak areas:

1. There is a lot of scope to improvise the above response without changing the examples and context.
2. For me, at first go I am confused by the end of second paragraph.
3. CC the important criteria in IELTS writing is missing.
4. By the end of third paragraph you totally diluted the flow.
5. You handled the conclusion paragraph in trivial manner.

Secondly, here are some +ve areas:

1. You are able to gather all the required information.
2. You are trying different ways of presenting the facts. I mean types of sentences Simple, Compound, Complex.
3. You Lexical range is good enough. I assume by practicing you should takeover it.

Finally, Areas where I could not validate are:

1. Punctuation
2. Grammar

Thanks for your comments on my writing. I'll consider your findings; I'll try to overcome those hinders.

Regards,
Bunni

[sabid79]

Bunni,

I appreciate your detailed reply on my essay. Certainly there is a lot required for improvement.

Can you share some tips in improvement.

[bunni015]

Hi Sabid,

I think below points are worth considering.

1. Just refresh your grammar concepts. Not from the scratch, but when ever you get stuck or confused with some areas in writing or speaking.
2. Practice writing & Speaking every day
3. Go back and check every day how to write an argument and discussion essay . I mean the structure and flow. For this I suggest you to check Ryan's YouTube channel.
4. For improving vocabulary, spend at-least 2 hours every day in reading 'The Guardian' newspaper or content available on proprietary web-site. Navigate to section A-Z on the site and you'll find variety of topics and subjects. Although every one advice's that read what ever that fascinates, but I recommend you to go through every area i.e. Society, community, politics, money, art, youth, generations, children, family and many more.
5. Try to observe the grammar while reading i.e. what are the adjectives prepositions used with the words that you may confront for the first time.

hmmm... Let everyone know what tips and tricks you might think are vital to improve writing.

Regards,
Bunni