Pls asses the below mentioned essay

[ABDELFATAH]

Kindly , comment and correct the following essay :
Write about the following task:
Learning to play team sports is an important part of child’s education.
Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge.


No doubt, the children are enjoying practicing sports, however the team sports are considered much more exciting and enjoyable. This is very apparent, if the parents have a look at any football playground as a typical example for the team sports, they will realize that: the team sports are a very important part of the child’s education. This will be proved through the essay by highlighting two major benefits which the child will gain them while playing team sports .The first will be to credit him the value of team work then the second one will be to credit him the skills of being social and having a pretty communications with others.
Actually, a very important soft skill value that the child will gain it naturally and automatically while playing such kind of sports is to learn how to be an acting member among a team.
In other words, let’s say that the child will have the team working spirit through his live as a positive effect of team sports playing.
As an example, when the child plays football match with his classmates, absolutely, he has to interact with all other members to achieve the same targets or to score a goal.
Obviously, the team sports enrich the child with the team work value as a result of interacting with other team members and enhance his abilities at this field of competency.
So, it is very clear that the team sports can improve many soft skills for the child and also represent a crucial part of his educational process.
Thus, the team sports are very effective tool to participate and integrate the child’s education process entirely.
​For sure , one of the key to professional life success- for the child’s future- is to be social and having high communications skills which can be also provided easily by practicing the team sports.
Apparently, when comparing a child sharing any sort of the team sports to another who does not practise it, the results will point that the first child wins in terms of social and communications skills.
After analyzing this, it is agreed that the team sports can forms well the attitude of the child since his early beginnings to credit him with the crucial social abilities.
​To sum up, when the child plays the team sports, it provides him many soft skills that are very important such as to act well in a team work. Moreover, the child will be social attitude and having the required communication skills .
So, It is highly recommended to have such type of activities frequently in weekly basis at our schools due to their high positive impacts to the child’s education process.

[ABDELFATAH]

Kindly , review my essay .
If it is not a free service ,pls let me know as i do not have a plenty of time so i can manage another way .

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Unfortunately, I have to challenge the opening sentence! I wish it were true - really - but it's not my experience.

Reading on, I have to point out that you are making very big assumptions. Notice the use of definitive language (will, no doubt, absolutely). Having played team sports at school, I can absolutely promise you that kids do not always play team sports this way. Most kids need to be trained to play as a team - that's what coaches and managers are for!

Next, you have totally missed the simple fact that not all kids are good at (team) sports. If a kid who is not good at football is on a team, and the others are better players, they will avoid passing to the weaker player as much as possible.

These points, unfortunately, destroy your argument. The key is not to be dogmatic and present your arguments as true in all situations.

All the best,
David

[ABDELFATAH]

Thanks so much Mr.David ,your feedback is considerable and i will avoid the same next time.
best regards

[Flick]

Learning to play team sports is an important part of child’s education.
Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge.


No doubt, the children are enjoying practicing sports, however the team sports are considered much more exciting and enjoyable.(<--Reword to: "Many children enjoy playing sports, especially team sports.") If parents have a look at any football playground as a typical example for team sports, they will realize that team sports are a very important part of their child’s education. This will be proved by highlighting two major benefits which the child will gain from playing team sports. The first benefit is learning the value of team work, and the second is being social and communicating with others.

A very important soft skill that the child will learn naturally and automatically while playing a team sport is to learn how to be an active member of a team.
In other words, let’s say that the child will have a team working spirit through his life as a positive effect of playing ateam sport.
As an example, when the child plays football with his classmates, he has to interact with his teammates to achieve the same targets or to score a goal.

Obviously, team sports enrich the child's understanding of the value of team work as a result of interacting with other team members, and enhances his abilities in this area. So, it is very clear that team sports can improve many soft skills for the child and also represent a crucial part of his educational process.

Thus, team sports are a very effective tool to include in the child’s education process.
​For sure, one of the keys to a successful career is to be social and have strong communication skills which can be learned easily by practicing team sports. When comparing a child who plays a team sport to one who does not, the results show that the first child wins in terms of social and communications skills.

After analyzing this, it is agreed that team sports can help shape the attitude of the child and teach him crucial social abilities.
​To sum up, when a child plays a team sport, it teaches him many soft skills that are very important, such as how to cooperate with others. Moreover, the child will be social and have great communication skills .
So, it is highly recommended to have such team sports frequently at our schools due to their high positive impact to the child’s education process.