Please review my writing.

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ygpark2
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Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2015 1:53 am

Please review my writing.

Post by ygpark2 »

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Many countries pursue economic development as their most prominent priority whereas other countries insist that there are other types of progress should take precedence over economic goal. In this essay, I will deal with these two point of views and express my thought on the issue.


To begin with, there is no denying that economic development should be the main priority in the governments' goals because it is very hard to imagine that people living in poverty are happy. Basically, a country need to pursue economic progress at least to unravel people's problems such as food, shelter and clothes. For example, people in North Korea certainly live in painful life as they can hardly find a food to eat. In addition to this, many people in North Korea also want to escape the country to find a better place to live, which result in the country hard to sustain. Thus, economic development should be the key goal for countries.


Despite the fact that many countries put the key priority on economic development, other countries believe that there are a variety of development should be done to enhance people's happiness. It is no doubt that people will purse a better quality of life once they do not have any difficulty to meet their basic needs such as hunger, house and clothes. For instance, many advanced countries make a tremendous effort to make better environments where people are living. More specifically, most of economically abundant countries have been investing huge amount of money on cultural businesses to make our lives more enjoyable.


In conclusion, I absolutely agree with the idea that economic development should take precedence over other types of developments because people who cannot afford to buy a food will certainly live in great agony as well as be not interested in other types of developments. Therefore, countries should not treat the economic development equally with other types of developments.
David.IELTS.Examiner
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Joined: Tue May 05, 2015 4:34 am

Re: Please review my writing.

Post by David.IELTS.Examiner »

Hello!

The happiness point is an interesting one, but one you do not develop. Americans are routinely found by surveys to be less happy than people in SE Asia, for example. However, for extreme poverty, your point is reasonable.

The second sentence of the second main paragraph suggests that the basic requirements of food, housing and clothing are not related to better quality of life!

Overall, quite good, but I think that you haven't really explored the issues well. Most countries are not as bad as North Korea.

Grammatical range is limited, though the density of mistakes is low. Vocabulary is quite good, but not used convincingly.

All the best,
David
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