Please help me evaluate my essay

[nhathi.duong]

Task 2: These days more and more and going to other countries for significant periods of time, either to find a job or to study.

These days, the world witness the remarkably-growing seasonal immigrant population of many countries, in which foreigners hope to find a job or to study. Whereas people living abroad satisfy those needs, they are also engaged in great struggles. This essay will suggest that achieving independence is the main advantage, followed by many kinds of problems arising as primary disadvantages.
Studying or working all by yourself in a foreign country gives us the mental toughness, which is strongly believed to guarantee our future success. When there is no family or relatives, new people and new places tests our natural abilities, develops them and teaches us how to manage on our owns. Further, independence gained can be very helpful for our lives in the future, since an adult’s life is never plain-sailing. Everybody makes some mistakes and causes some failures. Living abroad broadens your experience in solving the problems and stand up from failures.
On the other hand, living alone so far away from home can lead to some discouragements and even cause stress. Beside studying and working, a foreigner have to manage on many other troubles, such as living cost, accommodation, and enormous fees. Narrow-minded people may also find it quite difficult to adapt to new places and fit in with new people, causing great nostalgia and depression. For instance, a recent survey by Thanh Nien Magazine highlighted that 37% students studying abroad feel shock and experience depression.
To sum up, all the struggles caused when living in a strange country can be advantageous if it develops our ability and inner strength, despite that, they can be an extremely tough challenge that accounts for depression and discouragement.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Seasonal immigrant population? Explain.

I wouldn't use the word 'guarantee' (or words with a similar meaning) in a T2 essay.

When there is no family or relatives? But a lot of people go abroad with family.

Living costs, accommodation and fees are a fact of life for everyone. Not sure what you mean.

The survey - assuming it's true - doesn't mean that 37% of people are narrow-minded. Maybe their foreign language skills were inadequate.

Well, there's isn't actually a question at the top of the post - just a true sentence - so it's hard to assess this essay. However, it is clear that the points are very general and poorly developed - and frequently unclear.

All the best,
David