essay: family relationship - please help to review it.

[allen_zhang]

It is generally acknowledged that the relationship among family members is now not as close as it use to be. Give possible reasons and your recommendations.

It is true that family ties are relatively looser than before these days. I personally believe that the reasons for this lie in the changing lifestyles.

Modern lives are becoming increasingly competitive and stressful. Both parents in many families have full-time jobs, which often occupy much of their time and energy. As a result, the time which they could have spent on family activities is sacrificed for the sake of their works. Children who grow up in this kind of families usually lack attention, care and love from their parents. Therefore, the emotional connection between parents and children becomes weaker.

In addition, the increasing independence of modern lives could be another reason for looser family relationships. Nowadays, families have become dispersed. For example, many young adults move to big cities, which is often far away from where their parents live, to find their jobs and new lives. Because of this, it is hardly possible for these young adults to visit their parents as frequent as before. This makes it difficult to maintain a close family tie.

There are several things that individuals, especially young adults, can do to mitigate this problem. Firstly, giving more priority to family life is essential for working parents to have a good relationship with their children. The more love and care people give to their children the tighter their family ties will be. Secondly, no matter how busy the works are and how far away from parents, young working adults should try their best to contact and visit their parents. Sometimes, even just a simple phone call can make parents feel being loved.

To conclude, Modern lifestyles have made family ties much looser than ever and individuals should pay more attention to their families.

[adam1979]

Hello Allen,

I have to point out that I'm only giving my suggestions here and to the best of my abilities, I could always be wrong

"It is true that family ties are relatively looser than before these days. "

"It is true that family ties are relatively looser than they were in the past."

"As a result, the time which they could have spent on family activities is sacrificed for the sake of their works."

"As a result, the time they should spend with their families (or "taking care of their families" or "bonding with their families") is significantly less because they are at work for longer hours."

"For example, many young adults move to big cities, which is often far away from where their parents live, to find their jobs and new lives."

"For example, many young adults move to big cities, where they could find jobs and opportunities. However, by doing this, they are gravitating away from their families."

Generally speaking, shorter sentences are better than longer ones. If you could break up a sentence into two, do it!

Also, speaking of the importance of strong vocabulary discussed in the other thread, while I agree that one does not need to pull out Shakespearean words out of the drawer, certain words fit beautifully in certain contexts. See the combination "gravitate away" for instance, it's quite nice and expressive (in my humble opinion)

"Firstly, giving more priority to family life is essential for working parents to have a good relationship with their children."

"Firstly, giving more priority to family life is essential for working parents in order to have a good relationship with their children.

"Secondly, no matter how busy the works are and how far away from parents, young working adults should try their best to contact and visit their parents. "

"Secondly, no matter how busy with work they are, and how far away they live, young adults should try to contact and visit their parents (and siblings?) as much as they possible."

-----

Your article is generally well-argued. I would have added a few ideas like family reunions, vacations, staying in touch via skype or facebook...etc.

Good luck!

[allen_zhang]

Hi Adam,
Thank you very much for your review and comments.
I am trying to learn from them.

As I learned from you, I put a little emtion in the essay I just wrote:

Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment. Why is this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem?

There is very high chance for a criminal to reoffend after they get out for prison the first time. This is why the first thing polices will do is to go through the criminal databases whenever they get fingerprints of a suspect. There are several social reasons behind this problem.

On major cause of reoffending is that ex-offenders often find they are not accepted by the society and left little chance but to reoffend for a living. Traditionally, law enforcement systems lay too much emphasis on punishment but not the well-being of society. Putting criminals into prisons is their job but what will the ex-prisoners do after they walk out of the wall is not.

Another reason for this is that prison systems server as “crime schools” to criminals. In prison, criminals learn crime “skills” from others and making friends there. Once they step out of that place finding themselves having no jobs, friends, even not accepted by their families, most likely, they will hang out with these friends they acquainted in jails. It would not be surprising if they commit crimes again.

I believe it is the responsibility of the entire society, including families, law enforcement systems, to address this problem. A more open and friendly attitude towards ex-offenders can help ex-offenders to reintegrate into society and can effectively reduce the re-offending rate. Rehabilitate education in prisons is also preferred. Because when prisoners learned real skill which could help them to survive in the society after they get out, they will less likely to choose to commit crime again – anyway, to most people, that would be their last choice.

To conclude, it seems to me that the bad law enforcement practices are responsible for the high reoffending rate and it is time for governments and society to take actions.


BR!
Allen

[durai]

Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment. Why is this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem?

There is a very high chance for a criminal to re-offend after they get out from the prison the first time. This is why the first thing polices( first thing policies ?) will do is to go through the criminal databases whenever they get fingerprints of a suspect. There are several social reasons behind this problem. I feel that intro is not clear enough)

My intro could be : It is common to understand that there are some criminals, who are released from prison after their very first jail term, may increase their wrong doings. The reasons could be many but not limited to loss of employment, loss of social respect and dignity. Therefore, this essay is an attempt to analyse the reasons, and offers cardinal solutions to overcome this problem.

One of the major causes of re-offending is that ex-offenders ( not sure of word "ex-offenders" often find that they are not accepted by the society due to loss of dignity and decorum. Thereofre, they have left little chance to survive and this leads to committing crime again for a basic living. Besides, the law enforcement systems lay too much emphasis on punishments but not the well-being of criminals and society. Keeping criminals at prisons is the duty of any governments but what will the ex-prisoners do after they are released from the jail

Another reason for this is that the prison systems serve as “crime schools” to criminals. In prison, criminals learn crime “skills” from others and make friends there ( redundant, you already said at the start " In prison", so no need to say again.). Once they step out of that place they find themselves without (avoid negative constructions) jobs, friends and even rejected by their families.More likely, they would hang out with these( 'these ' not required , because you already said acquainted form jails, friends they acquainted in jails. It would be unsurprising if they commit crimes again.

I believe it is the responsibility of the entire society including families and law enforcement systems, (remove comma) to address this problem. A more open and a friendly attitude towards ex-offenders can help them to reintegrate into the society. As a result, re-offending rate can be significantly reduced. Rehabilitate education ( any one , not both, because both carries same meaning) Rehabilitation at prisons is also preferred. Because when prisoners learned real skill which could help them to survive in the society after they get out, they will less likely to choose to commit crime again – anyway, to most people, that would be their last choice. ( very long sentence, cannot pick up the topic

To conclude, it seems to me that the bad law ( bad law?) enforcement practices are responsible for the high reoffending ( can't you think other word for reoffendrate and it is time for the governments and the society to take appropriate actions.


few repeated words : society 6
out 5
enforcement 3
prison 3
criminals 3
offenders 3
systems 3
law 3
friends 3

Task response is visible but poor word choices and grammatical mistakes are very frequent. Incoherence at many instances,

overall looks like band 5.5. ( only in my opinion)

Durai

[allen_zhang]

Thank you, Durai, I did not check a lot on this essay and I committed many mistakes. These are several places which I disagree with you. Generally, you r right. Too many mistakes.

[durai]

Hi Allen,

Could you exactly tell what are the places that you disagree with, because I can double check and learn a few things

Thanks
Durai

[adam1979]

Hi Adam,
Thank you very much for your review and comments.
I am trying to learn from them.

As I learned from you, I put a little emtion in the essay I just wrote:

Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment. Why is this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem?

There is very high chance for a criminal to reoffend after they get out for prison the first time. This is why the first thing polices will do is to go through the criminal databases whenever they get fingerprints of a suspect. There are several social reasons behind this problem.

On major cause of reoffending is that ex-offenders often find they are not accepted by the society and left little chance but to reoffend for a living. Traditionally, law enforcement systems lay too much emphasis on punishment but not the well-being of society. Putting criminals into prisons is their job but what will the ex-prisoners do after they walk out of the wall is not.

Another reason for this is that prison systems server as “crime schools” to criminals. In prison, criminals learn crime “skills” from others and making friends there. Once they step out of that place finding themselves having no jobs, friends, even not accepted by their families, most likely, they will hang out with these friends they acquainted in jails. It would not be surprising if they commit crimes again.

I believe it is the responsibility of the entire society, including families, law enforcement systems, to address this problem. A more open and friendly attitude towards ex-offenders can help ex-offenders to reintegrate into society and can effectively reduce the re-offending rate. Rehabilitate education in prisons is also preferred. Because when prisoners learned real skill which could help them to survive in the society after they get out, they will less likely to choose to commit crime again – anyway, to most people, that would be their last choice.

To conclude, it seems to me that the bad law enforcement practices are responsible for the high reoffending rate and it is time for governments and society to take actions.


BR!I
Allen

Hello Allen,

There are two very good words you could use in this essay (not suggesting that you won't score well if you don't use them) :

Recidivism: the act of relapsing back to life of crime after being release from prison.
A recidivist: an ex-con who falls back into crime after being released from prison.

I think the core question here is whether all people who commit crime for the first time are rehabitale or not. Some criminals keep committing crimes because they feel they can beat or outsmart the system. They've got experience!

[allen_zhang]

@Adam,
Thank you! I learned two new words for this topic.

@Durai,
Last night, I was on my mobile phone. It has been inconvenient for me talk to you in detail. let's discuss more now:

There is a very high chance for a criminal to re-offend after they get out from the prison the first time.
[Allen] You are right, I missed it.

This is why the first thing polices( first thing policies ?) will do is to go through the criminal databases whenever they get fingerprints of a suspect.
[Allen] You are right. I missed a “that” before “polices”.


There are several social reasons behind this problem. I feel that intro is not clear enough)

My intro could be : It is common to understand that there are some criminals, who are released from prison after their very first jail term, may increase their wrong doings. The reasons could be many but not limited to loss of employment, loss of social respect and dignity. Therefore, this essay is an attempt to analyse the reasons, and offers cardinal solutions to overcome this problem.

One of the major causes of re-offending is that ex-offenders ( not sure of word "ex-offenders" often find that they are not accepted by the society due to loss of dignity and decorum.
[Allen] I googled “ex-offender”, and it seems ok.
[Allen] Why can’t I use “one major course” but only “one of the major courses”?

Therefore, they have left little chance to survive and this leads to committing crime again for a basic living.


Besides, the law enforcement systems lay too much emphasis on punishments but not the well-being of criminals and society.
[Allen] I am not sure if “the” is needed.
[Allen] I think no need to change “punishment” to “punishments”
[Allen] And I don’t want to mention “the well-being criminals”

Keeping criminals at prisons is the duty of any governments but what will the ex-prisoners do after they are released from the jail
[Allen] I wanted to use a more interesting sentence.

Another reason for this is that the prison systems serve as “crime schools” to criminals. In prison, criminals learn crime “skills” from others and make friends there ( redundant, you already said at the start " In prison", so no need to say again.).
[Allen] I agree.
Once they step out of that place they find themselves without (avoid negative constructions) jobs, friendsand even rejected by their families.More likely, they would hang out with these( 'these ' not required , because you already said acquainted form jails, friends they acquainted in jails.
[Allen] “Once they step out of that place finding themselves having no jobs, friends,…”. I personally believe this is a good sentence.

It would be unsurprising if they commit crimes again.
[Allen] I prefer “It would not be surprising if they commit crimes again.”

I believe it is the responsibility of the entire society including families and law enforcement systems, (remove comma) to address this problem.
[Allen] I agree, a typo, I removed another reason which I wrote earlier and removed it.

A more open and a friendly attitude towards ex-offenders can help them to reintegrate into the society.
[Allen] I think “a more open and friendly attitude” is correct.
[Allen] I not sure about the “the”.

As a result, re-offending rate can be significantly reduced. Rehabilitate education ( any one , not both, because both carries same meaning) Rehabilitation at prisons is also preferred.
[Allen] I agree.

Because when prisoners learned real skill which could help them to survive in the society after they get out, they will less likely to choose to commit crime again – anyway, to most people, that would be their last choice. ( very long sentence, cannot pick up the topic

To conclude, it seems to me that the bad law ( bad law?) enforcement practices are responsible for the high reoffending ( can't you think other word for reoffendrate and it is time for the governments and the society to take appropriate actions.
[Allen] “bad law enforcement practices”

I will try to figure out how to use "the". Ryan once removed a lot of "the" from my essay.