Please evaluate my essay

[Miaacoby]

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Historically, health of a particular nation is contributed to the number of sports facilities available in that country. Improvement in public health is often attributed to the increase in number of sports facilities available in country. Therefore, some people argue that by increasing the number of sports facilities, improvement in public health can be realized. While some argue that other measures like quality of food and happiness also contribute to the quality of public health. Both these views are being analyzed below before drawing a reasoned conclusion.

For one camp, only increase in number of sports facilities will enhance level of public health. An argument that supports this theory is that, historically, nations with higher number of sports facilities exhibited higher level of public health. Further medical logics also support this theory. Logically, societies with higher number of sports faculties will motivate people to spent their leisure time in sports campuses and thus enhance their chances of involvement in sports which in turn make them fit and perfect. Thus it can be seen that why some people believe that public health can be improved by enhancing sports facilities.


For the other camp, increase in sports facilities alone can not increase level of public health. They argue that level of quality of food provided and level of happiness provided also contribute to public health. From medical reasons, people who are supplied with higher level of quality food, in turn, grow as a healthy society. Further, logically, people with higher level of happiness has little to worry about and little chances to affect with diseases like blood pressure and diabetes. Thus, important contribution of quality of food and level of happiness to public health can be seen.


Some people argue that public health level can be enhanced by mere increasing number of sports facilities while some argue that other factors like quality of food and level of happiness also matter. For reasons related to health and mental fitness, it can be concluded that quality of food and level of happiness are also important in addition to the number of sports facilities provided. Thus, it is encouraged that nations and government give equal importance to all these factors for growth in public health.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

I love this question, because there is one thing that many IELTS candidates, from all over the world, mention, but fail to mention here ... And, to be honest, it's a killer point! Every test I do, I hear people say 'We have no free time'. Assuming that to be true (I don't think it is, but ...), then increasing the number of sports facilities would have no effect at all.

Anyway, you have included some good points, but I notice that the main paragraphs are roughly the same length as the introduction and conclusion, suggesting that the latter two are too long and the main paragraphs are not well developed.

You haven't mentioned the cost of sports facilities. You haven't specified what 'quality food' is. you haven't said why the government has failed to deal with food quality already. And you have made the assumption that people will automatically use the new facilities.

Vocabulary and grammar are reasonable, but there is a limited range of both, mainly because you have looked at the arguments in a very simplistic manner.

All the best,
David

[Miaacoby]

Thanks for the feedback.

1) Can you please correct the mistakes

OR

2) Can you assign a band?

Thanks.