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Question: Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?
Children’s life nowadays is quite different that they tend to have unhealthy lifestyle. Some people believe that schools must responsible to change this while the other people believe that parents are the most vital agents for these changes. In my opinion, both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem. This argument will be proven by looking at how these aspects whether school or parents have responsible for this.
Firstly, parents today are busier than parents in the past. They just have less time to care to their children. For instance, mum and dad prefer to give their children money for sustenance, therefore, that they can buy food in school. As a result, their little people can buy any food that they want and there is no one who controls them when they buy food outside. For this point, parents have responsible to ensure their lunch. School also have important role for this by controlling the food quality in canteen and do not give permission for children to buy food outside.
In addition to this, the other unhealthy lifestyle is that children do not care to keep their area clean. For example, in school some students like to litter their rubbish everywhere. Also, children prefer to play with their friends without care whether the place clean or dirty. An instance illustrating this in action after playing they hold the food using their hands without washing their first. Thus, all of what they do potentially affect to their health. Consequently, school teachers must direct their children to have healthy life and make strike rules for this, as well as parents also must teach their children to keep clean.
To summarize,in order to change the unhealthy children lifestyle, I believe that both parents and school have responsibility for it. It has been proven that while the parents control and teach their children at home, teachers do it in school.

Hi Leela,

Although there are definitely signs of structure in this essay, several issues cause incoherence. This leads the link between the essay and its question to become unclear. Your grammar is unfortunately very weak. There is at least one grammar issue in every sentence. You should look into getting your work grammatically cleaned up by a native speaking friend or colleague to help point out exactly what you need to do in this regard to improve.

I'm not entirely sure what the logic of your first supporting paragraph is. The topic sentence declares that parents are busy. Your example outlines that the money parents give to their children for lunch is all too often used to buy unhealthy food items. The concluding sentence states schools should take on the role of guiding a child's eating habits. The logical connection between these three statements is lost in your writing. I imagine you meant something like this:

Firstly, education boards should help to ensure that young people are exclusively offered healthy food options at school. In today's fast paced world, it is all too common for parents to hurriedly send their children to class with lunch money. Unless the school excludes unhealthy food options from its cafeteria menu, this lunch money could be spent on any number of harmful dietary choices and could further lead to the establishing of poor lifestyle habits. Thus, it is clear that schools play a vital role in ensuring children are consuming healthful diets.

Your second supporting paragraph is also difficult to follow. Please remember that the first sentence of these supporting paragraphs should declare exactly what your supporting point is. You should not be using three or four sentences to do this. Be concise.

The lack of clarity at points, weak grammar and poor task fulfillment make me think this response likely would not score more than about a band 5.5.

Good luck,
Ryan

Question: Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?


Children’s life nowadays is quite different in that they tend to have an unhealthy lifestyle. Some people believe that schools must be responsible to change this while the other people believe that parents are the most vital agents for these changes. In my opinion, both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. The prompt is asking to what extent you agree or disagree. Be sure to be clear and say something like "I strongly agree with this statement". This argument will be proven by looking at how these aspects whether school or parents have responsible responsibility for this.This last sentence is very poor. Do you mean "...looking at whether school or parents have responsibility for this.?

Firstly, parents today are busier than parents in the past. They just have less time to care to their children. For instance, mum and dad prefer to give their children money for sustenance, therefore, that they can buy food in school. (This is an awkward sentence. Do you mean something like "Because parents do not have time to make lunch for school, they give their children money to buy food at school"? As a result, their little people children can buy any food that they want and there is no one who controls them when they buy food outside(Do school sell unhealthy food? For this point, parents have the responsible responsibility to ensure their lunch. School also have an important role for this by controlling the food quality in the canteen and do not give not giving permission for children to buy food outside.

In addition to this, the other unhealthy lifestyle is that children do not care to keep their area clean. For example, in school some students like to litterthrow their rubbish everywhere. Also, children prefer to play with their friends without care whether the place is clean or dirty. An instance illustrating this in action For instance, after playing they hold the (do not need definite article here) food using their hands without washing their (them) first. Thus, all of what they do potentially affects their health. Consequently, school teachers must direct their children to have healthy life habits and make strike strict rules for this . Pparents also must teach their children to keep clean.

To summarize,in order to change the unhealthy children lifestyle, I believe that both parents and schools have responsibility for it. It has been proven that while the parents control and teach their children at home, teachers do it in school. This is the first time teachers are mentioned. It is not a good idea to introduce a new element in the concluding sentence. Maybe you could say "Parents have the responsibility to teach children to be healthy at home and schools need to reinforce this?

Leena, you are doing a pretty good job here. If you were to get a score today on this, it would likely be this:
Task Response 5
Coherence and Cohesion 5
Lexical Resource 5
Grammatical Range and Accuracy 5

I based this on the rubric that the IELTS site has for Task 2.

One element you can really improve is vocabulary. The IELTS likes to see a variety; and while you have certainly tried, the diction is poor. Diction is using the word correctly and in the right way.
Also, there are many small grammatical errors. Did you reread this before you submitted?

Thanks you a lot, Ryan!
Your feedback very important for me) I'll trying to do my score better!

Thanks for advice! I'll be improving vocabulary and grammar...Can I send a new essay for checking soon?

Hi Leela,

Please feel free to submit as many essays as you like. I can't promise I will personally look at them, but there are many very talented people browsing the forums, including the occasional IELTS instructor.

Good luck,
Ryan

Thanks!

Thanks you a lot, Ryan!
Your feedback very important for me) I'll trying to do my score better!

Thanks a lot.

Your feedbacks are very important to me. I'll try my best to get a higher score.

Thanks a lot!