academic writing task 2: person's worth

[nanynany]

Hello everyone I took this writing task 2 topic from british council resources for ielts.
I need a 6.5/ 7 in the writing part, but last time I tried the ielts (academic) I didn't reach this mark, so if you can correct it I would be really glad to receive our advice to improve myself in this part of the exam.
Thank you very much indeed.

A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


Generally speaking social status and possessions have always been looked as something to admire or to reach from ordinary people, but in the last few years , more than before, it seems to be that fame and wealth have surprisengly superseded the true life value.

It is apparent that the enourmous impact that celebrities are having is due to the futher spread of social media communication system such as blog, youtube channel and not least facebook and instagram profile. In fact not only do this virtual communication allows celebrities to be constantly exposed but also it create the appearance that they are more like "common people". A good example of this would be instagram where everyone can litterally follows famous star profile as he or she was his or her friend.
Obviously this is an extremely positive advantage for celebrities themself but it has substantially influenced our way to classify what is a real value and what is not. In this way some people have started to base our judjment just on what can eyes can see without looking through.
Nevertheless I feel this is only one side of the argument. Actually when it concerns our life, which involves relationships with someone real,what we really care for are solid value, such as friendship, honesty, trust.
For instance when we need to pick someone to trust, our choice will be the one person that we trust more, the one that show to me honest even than the richest one, because money are nothing compared to personal feeling and this will always be a matter of fact.

To sum up ,it seems to me that in the day by day life our yardstick and our mindset alike give priority to old fashion value and that, even though overall wealth can be an attractive magnet is just an added value compared to which that are the significant ones.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Fantastic question!

In the first paragraph, you focus on an excellent point, but totally fail to make it a good one! If I am 'friends' with a star on Facebook, how does that affect 'honour'? Your second paragraph fails to deal with this point.

The third paragraph is (for me) either totally false or totally incomprehensible. You claim this as a fact, but the question strongly suggests that it isn't - and you agreed with the question in your introduction!

Overall, I think you have found a good place to start and then completely missed a chance to develop a coherent argument.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


Generally speaking, social status and possessions have always been looked as something to admire or desire by ordinary people, but in the last few years, it seems that fame and wealth have surprisingly superseded these life values.

It is apparent that the enormous impact that celebrities are having is due to the spread of social media communication systems such as blogs, YouTube, Facebook and Instagram. In fact, not only does this virtual communication allow celebrities to be constantly exposed, but it also creates the appearance that they are more like "common people". A good example of this is Instagram, where everyone can follow famous celebrities as if he or she was a friend.

Obviously, this is an extremely positive advantage for the celebrities, but it has substantially influenced our way of classifying what is a real value and what is not. In this way, some people have started to base their opinion solely on what they can see without considering the deeper meaning.

Nevertheless, I feel this is only one side of the argument. When it concerns our lives, which include relationships with real people, what we really care for are solid values, such as friendship, honesty, and trust. For instance, when we need someone to trust, our choice will be the one person that we trust most; the one that proves to be honest regardless of wealth, because money is nothing compared to personal feeling and this will always be true.

To sum up, it seems to me that in day to day life, our yardstick and our mindset alike give priority to old fashioned values and that, even though overall wealth can be an attractive magnet, it is just an added value compared to which there are more significant ones.