Please assess Task 2. Culture

[FireShock]

Please, assess my essay. if possible, what would be the mark of that? Thank you!


Some people think that cultural traditions will be destroyed if they are used as money-making attractions aimed at tourists. Other, however, believe that is the only way to save these traditions. Discuss.


In this day and age, it cannot be denied that tradition plays a fundamental role for each nation. Whilst a large percentage hold the notion that tourism can have just the side effects on the tradition of that folk, a growing number of people advocate that the tourism should be more organised in way which provides domestic people with a plethora of upsides.

In the first place, the society ought to be more occupied with the question how to protect the historical important pieces of each society, in this urban-modern world. As a matter of fact, it is a commonly held belief that lifestyle, together with technological progress, has a huge impact on that. For instance, the well-know galleries such as in France, Italy and England are visited by tourists, who bring numerous technological gadgets with them, furthermore, the flash on cameras may cause many side effects on the exposed photos and pictures, which cannot be removed. Consequently, individuals deem that those galleries are the way in which the authorities obtain easy money.

Notwithstanding that, those who are not in favour of this perspective, however, generally claim that traditional of minorities or people who are near disappearance is the only way to promote their culture and save them from disappearing. Taking the problematic situation into consideration, there are examples of myriad of cultures which today do not exist, furthermore, with them some inventions appeared. This factor cannot simply be overlooked. In addition, I would venture to say that many tourists, who come from different parts of world, have never heard of certain African tribes, which they visit during the holiday with tour guide. To anticipate further, if those tribes do not promote their tradition and sell some hand-made goods, they will be in possibility to buy some items which are of paramount importance for their life.

Taking the above-mentioned into consideration, although I fully comprehend both viewpoints, I am inclined to believe that global society should find better way to ensure saving of tradition. Needless to say, a number of cultures which existence is based on visiting and selling the items must be reduced due to the fact that this problematic situation can become the global issue with no solution.

(370 words)

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

In the first main paragraph, the final sentence is not a logical conclusion.

In the second main paragraph 'with them some inventions appeared' makes no sense. Do you mean 'disappeared'?

The final sentence of that paragraph also makes no sense. Those tribes have managed to survive for hundreds/thousands of years. I think they'll manage without us.

The second sentence of the conclusion makes no sense.

Overall, this is not a successful essay. Points are often unclear or simply untrue. Certainly, they are not well-developed. The conclusion is incomprehensible, which will reduce the overall score markedly. Poor grammar and vocabulary are the main culprits.

I'm not going to give you a score (I never do!), but 'low' would be a fair description.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Some people think that cultural traditions will be destroyed if they are used as money-making attractions aimed at tourists. Other, however, believe that is the only way to save these traditions. Discuss.


In this day and age, it cannot be denied that tradition plays a fundamental role for each nation. Whilst a large percentage of people hold the notion that tourism can have a negative impact on the traditions of a community, a growing number of people feel that tourism could have more benefits than disadvantages.

First of all, society ought to be more occupied with the question of how to protect historically important aspects of each society in today's world. As a matter of fact, it is a commonly held belief that lifestyle, together with technological progress, has had a huge impact on that.(<--Huge impact on what?) For instance, well-known art galleries in France, Italy and England are visited by tourists, who bring numerous technological gadgets with them. Furthermore, the flash on cameras may cause many side effects on the exposed photos and pictures, which cannot be fixed. Consequently, individuals deem that those galleries are the way in which the authorities obtain easy money.(<--I don't understand how this sentence relates to the paragraph.)

Notwithstanding that, those who are not in favour of this perspective, however, generally claim that supporting the traditions of minorities or people who are near extinction is the only way to promote their culture and save them from disappearing. Taking the problematic situation into consideration,(<--What problematic situation?) there are examples of myriad of cultures which today do not exist, furthermore, with them some inventions appeared.(<--I don't understand this sentence.) This factor cannot simply be overlooked. In addition, I would venture to say that many tourists who come from different parts of world have never heard of certain African tribes, which they visit during the holiday with a tour guide. To anticipate further, if those tribes do not promote their tradition and sell some hand-made goods, they will be in possibility to buy some items which are of paramount importance for their life.(<--I don't understand this sentence.)

Taking the above-mentioned into consideration, although I fully comprehend both viewpoints, I am inclined to believe that global society should find better ways to ensure traditions are protected than promoting tourism. Needless to say, a number of cultures whose existence is based on visiting and selling traditional items must be addressed due to the fact that this problematic situation can become a global issue with no easy solution.

(370 words)