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Please can you check my W T2

Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2016 11:04 pm
by insaf
Many people believe that young children should play sports in order to prepare them for working life, however, others disagree.

discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is true that many parents have different views about the best way to prepare their children for future jobs. Many think that good education is the key to being a successful adult, others, however, believe that sports can give the children great skills which are needed to perform better in the future. I support the latter view.

It is believed by many, that the key to a bright future for their kids is by giving them the excellent education possible and send them to the best-rated schools. They also think that any free time should be spend doing different courses, which will help them to achieve their dream jobs. Most of them find sport is a wasting of time and it does not seem to add any good experience to their children.

However, I support those who believe that, although good education is important to create successful adults, there are certain qualities which are difficult to be taught at school or by courses. Firstly sports will help children to be committed to their tasks, which is a value needed to success in work life. For example, getting up in the mornings on the weekends to practice sports, teach children commitment. Secondly, children play in team sports, such as football, develop the skill of working in a group to achieve one goal, which is really crucial in working life. finally, sports also help children to perform better at schools. For instance, the data shows that children who play sports are less likely to drop out school.

To conclude, after analysing both points of view, I believe that children who play sports are probably going to be successful at their work.

Re: Please can you check my W T2

Posted: Sat Dec 24, 2016 8:49 am
by David.IELTS.Examiner
Hello!

The first main paragraph reads like an introduction - no real points, development or examples.

Getting up early to practice anything will teach kids commitment, so that argument is too general at best and totally random at worst.

Similarly, kids could do group projects at school to help with developing teamwork skills.

Your point about dropping out of school is good, but undeveloped.

Once again, I see a list of assertions rather than a clearly argued essay. This means that the grammatical range is limited (e.g. lack of modals and conditionals).

All the best,
David