Please look over my Writing Task 2 (Academic)

[marion7795]

Please, could you look over my Writing Task 2 (Academic)?

The question is as follows:
The government should ban smoking in all public places, even though this would restrict some other people's freedoms.
Do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer.

The answer is as follows:

There is no doubt that smoking in public is a bad idea. While some people believe that this should be completely restricted, others argue that this is taking away the freedom from the part of the society who choose to smoke. In this essay, I am going to discuss both sides of the argument and support it with my own opinion.

There should be some areas of the community where smoking is completely restricted. This is because there should be equal consideration for both sides of the argument (smokers and non-smokers), which means that if there are areas where smoking is allowed/not allowed then this co-operation would satisfy both smokers and non-smokers. For example, areas where small children are playing should be completely smoking-free, whereas smoking in pubs should be allowed because the majority of people who go to pubs are smoking.

There should be consideration that if police would start to penalise people for smoking in public places then what would happen to their normal duties. This is because that people would be breaking the law very often because some members of the public would not care about the new law, which means that the police would not be able to deal with their other duties such as shoplifting. Although there could be some other members of the public who would report individuals who are smoking and then law enforcers could send the law breakers a letter to their home address which asks them to pay a fine.

In conclusion, the way how to satisfy the majority of people involved in this argument is to make some areas of the town smoking-free and everywhere else smoking would be allowed. In my opinion, there should be places for both sides of the argument to spend their time. I feel that the smoking restriction would cause that people would break the law more often because they know it is not allowed anymore.


Word Count: 321

Thanks in advance

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

If the children are playing outside, how does the smoke affect them?

You should say which country you are talking about, because when you say that majority of people in pubs smoke, that is not always true, e.g. in Britain where it is banned.

Increase the number of police if there are too many crimes.

In your conclusion, it seems that you want to separate smokers and non-smokers into two communities. Is this desirable and realistic?

Vocabulary is limited. Grammar is reasonable, but you use a limited range of structures, so points are not expressed well.

All the best,
David