kindly evaluate my essay

[RAGI]

There are many things that motivate a person to work but money is the most compelling. In your opinion, how influential is the power of money?


There are numerous factors that encourage people to engage in various kinds of work. Among all the causes, I believe money is of primordial importance .This essay will portray strength of cash in both personal and professional lives.

From a personal perspective, having green notes at the disposal could lead to luxurious and comfortable life. Recently, one incident happened at Mumbai airport where the passengers with confirmed tickets were requested to surrender their tickets to accommodate an extremely wealthy family, who was travelling with a group of around 20 people . The passengers was paid extra money along with the hotel stay. Moreover, the flight crew were supporting the rich family despite of knowing that it was against their norms. This clearly depicts the money power and privileges that the high class people receive.
From a professional point of view, in today’s cut throat competitive world respectable and big business people use the money as the most convenient method to get their business proposals approved. For instance, massive projects with huge profits get easily approved by bribing the administration with the cash. This is to say that the one who has enough money to offer officials it is easy for him to get all required approvals and permissions. While, the one who might be offering better work quality but do not have cash to give to the officers will find it difficult to approve their projects. Therefore, the power of money is evidently seen in the business sectors.
To conclude, I strongly support the fact that the money is the most motivating force behind peoples’ work.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

An interesting question, but probably too general for IELTS. Anyway ....

The incident you mention in the first main paragraph is actually quite common. It's happened to me twice. Still, it's a good example.

I think the example you give in the second main paragraph is good. However, this illustrates why this question is too easy for IELTS. You haven't examined the effects of this (the question doesn't ask you to!).

Grammar and vocabulary are good.

All the best,
David

[RAGI]

Thank you david!!! i will try and improvise.