Please Assess my GT Writing Task 2

[Katy Semm]

Q:- In many parts of the word today there is a profitable market for products which lighten people’s skin. Outline the reasons for using such products and discuss what effects they have in terms of health and society.
A:
Most people around the globe appear to use skin lighting creams and treatments, these days. While there are various reasons of the immense popularity of such products, certain negative effects stem them from this too, which will be examined in this essay.
Perhaps the main cause of this trend is the complexity of people of having a brown skin. In many African or Asian countries, people are persuaded to use these creams for their desire to look fair. This I presume comes from the Hollywood movie stars who practice this on regular basis. For example, a few renowned actresses who are African natives have managed to lighten up their skin, in order to sustain their popularity and also due to their public performances. This is then imitated by the people, specially the younger generation and they attempt to look fair through these creams. Apart from this, the advertisements can be held responsible to influence majority of the people. The way it is presented on televisions or the internet, induce many young girls and boys, to try it and by believing that it would improve their complexion, most of them buy it.
The effects of this have been and will continue to be very serious. Firstly, there has been a large increase in health related diseases. Most creams sold in the market are dangerous compounds of various chemicals which can lead to skin cancer and permanent pigmentation. The formulations of these products are not disclosed by the fairness industries and thus, many people are not aware of the chemicals being used in them. Secondly, the cost of these products or treatments is excessively high and while it is only a source of making money for many entrepreneurs, wealth of the people is being wasted since, their results are not certain and as stated earlier harmful too.
To sum up, it is evident that these are various reasons of society adopting these products and that it causes several negative impacts too. Thus, it has to be ensured that necessary steps are taken to spread awareness among people in order to restrain their usage.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Great question!

Most people? Really?

We need examples of the actresses. And the creams.

Overall, vocabulary and grammar are good, but the development of ideas is incomplete and it cannot be easily ascertained whether they are true or not.

All the best,
David