Writing Task 2 can someone give me a feedback? thank you!

[carinawanglan]

Some people believe that the range of technology available to individuals today is increasing the gap between rich people and poor people, while others say that technology has the opposite effect.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

These days, technology has been playing an essential role in our society, however, this arises a concern about whether a wide range of technology available could lead to the broader gap between the rich and the poor. In my opinion, I believe the advancement of technology will benefit the whole human beings.

On the one hand, some argue that having access to the technology would be unachievable for one who can live on minimum wage. For example, smart phones always cost thousands of dollars, which can be only affordable for those who have disposable savings. In this way, well-to-do citizens have more choices on purchasing a wide variety of electronic items, which in turn have a deeper understanding of the world itself and its development. By knowing the trend of the worldwide development, they are better able to make wise decisions to gain a reasonable profit. This would widen the financial difference between the rich and the less fortunate.

On the other hand, the effect that technology has had on the individual can be seen as positive and bridge the gap. Technology nowadays is considered as a new method of communication, which has effectively shrank the world and makes international trade more accessible and effective. For instance, technology enable farmers in developing countries to sell their crops to other developed countries with a high price, whereas before the availability of Internet they can hardly reach to potential international buyers. Thus, I think that technology helps reduce financial inequality, particular in developing countries where agriculture and other labor industries employ a large share of the workforce.

In conclusion, the rapid progress of technology has bridged the gap between rich people and poor people in terms of finance. To me, it seems to be advisable to further develop educational technology which allow both youngsters and older people to acquire useful knowledges online, as a result it benefits people in the long term.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Whoops! If what you wrote in the first main paragraph is true, then the conclusion must be false. If people cannot afford the technology ....

The range of grammar and vocabulary is good, but you have not created a good argument.

All the best,
David