Please assess my writing style - Are metaphors allowed?

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I don't know if this type of writing style is allowed in the IELTS exam? should I go Mr Serious Formal Formality or is Mr Satire and Metaphors allowed?

This essay took me 40 minutes to write which is over my planned time limit, if it is in a real exam I wouldve cut some bits out

Quetion - Obesity is becoming problematic in rich country, propose to solve this.

Obesity is currently one of most significant challenge in the the modern history of humanity. Ever since the dawn of The Industrial Revolution, obesity has plagued the rich and sophisticated aristocrats due their over-indulgence in supplement and the relinquishment of sufficient exercises. Both fortunately and unfortunately, the wealthy elites grew in influence and numbers, their ideology of consumption for the purpose of comfort and enjoyment soon became a trend in the general public. In combination of almost unlimited food resources thanks to the development of agricultural science; the citizens of some wealthy nation became the slaves of greed and gluttony, fall victim to the grasp of obesity.


The scientific principle is simple, the addition and subtraction of energy. When Homo Sapiens consumed more energy than they spent; the excessive energy is then stored as fat in the body, most notably the abdomen. The over accumulation of tri-glycerolipids, aka fats is detrimental towards the functions of the organs and hinders the metabolism, leading to an early mortality. The solution is simple on paper, higher energy output than input for the obese, and equal input output to prevent obesity.

An effective way to achieve such simple mathematical formula is to exercise. An obese person should be heavily encouraged; if not forced, to exercise, converting the chemical energy stored in the fat to kinetic and heat energy, which is also known as "losing weight". However, this do triggers a few specifically vocal activist groups, namely the Fat Acceptance supporters and modern feminist, who is strongly against this idea as that they consider it to be "suppressive" and "Misogynistic" without realizing the irony of their action. A more realistic opposition to this proposal of losing weight, is the concern of time management; as that obesity mainly influences the lower working class who are usually busy with their daily schedule in order to "keep the dough rolling", and prefer to spend their free time on things with higher priority than their own health, such as family, education, gossips on social media and the latest episodes of Desperate Housewives; aka, the soap drama.

An alternative method to lose weight is to consume less energy, either simply eat less, or change diet and eat food with lower calories, such as leafy vegetable, which contains mostly beta-glucose and are not digestible for human, resulting less energy input. The controversy surrounding this proposal is by the strongly favoured opinion from the majority of humanity, that leafy green taste like fecal excrement, to which achieving an delayed mortal demise is not worth it if the price to pay is either/both to devoid the pleasure of the tough's savour or/and to rebel the hungering rumble of the unsatisfied stomach.

To conclude, solving obesity is a simple math calculation on paper, but in reality it contradicts to the very foundation of human nature, namely the desire and gluttony, and human ideology such as the freedom of choice. To such complexity, the only way to eliminate obesity is to brainwash people into discarding these ideas, and over-emphasizing the value of a delayed but inevitable mortality.

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a shameless bump?