Reposted: Task 2. The underground (attempt 2). Please evaluate

[HelenSun]

Your valueable feedback is needed regarding any mistake, vocabulary range, grammar, response understanding, suggestions to improve and etc.
Are the main ideas relevant and how well are they expanded and supported?
What phrases or sentences are irrelevant and you do not like?

Many thanks in advance

Question:
Some people claim that the metro is the most convenient public transport. To what extent do you agree?

Response:
In today's modern world, it has become more convenient to use the subway to travell inside of major cities. Some dwellers support the idea that the metro is the most convenient means of transportation. However, in my opinion, I would disagree with this statement.

On the one hand, moving with the help of the metro is believed to be convenient because it can allow urban people to elude such an annoying issue as traffic congestion. Take, for example, one friend of mine. Taking the metro to get to work, he has avoided traffic jam during rush hour and thus has come in time. However, other my colleguas, who ride in a bus, have got in stuck several times and for this reason have been late for work. If they lived close to an underground station, they might use the subway as well.

On the other hand, many hold an opinion that the underground railway may be inconvenient for some disabled individuals. To illustrate, one my acquintance, who is wheelchair-bound invalid, can not moved in the underground because it does not provide facilities, required for him, for example, a facility as an escalator which would be adapted for such category of people. As it can not be adjusted for all categories of humans, then it is unlikely that it is the most convenient form of transportation.

In conclusion, the underground railroad can not provide necessary conditions for some disabled persons. Furthermore, its station can be placed far from one's home. Therefore, it is not the most convenient type of transport, even though it can allow to avoid traffic. As it seems that it is too difficult to alter the underground system to be convenient for all citizens, then probably it would be easier to solve the problem with traffic conjestion.

[HelenSun]

Reposted, please have a look

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Still not there! The examples are still personal, not general. The argument regarding disabled people is also a very specific point - most people do not need special facilities to use the metro. Besides, most metro systems do have facilities for the disabled. Furthermore, cars are not suitable for all people. To make the obvious point, you have to be 18 in most countries to drive one, ruling out the 2 billion kids in the world!

In the conclusion, you actually raise an excellent point - many stations are far from people's homes! This would be a much better argument to use in the main paragraphs.

Grammar and vocabulary are good, but there is not much grammatical range (conditionals!) and vocabulary is not used to create a coherent argument.

All the best,
David