Please assess my IELTS General Task 1 - Thank you for the feedback...

[chaitanya.k]

Letter :


You recently received a letter from a friend asking for advice about whether to go to college or to try to get a job. You think he/she should get a job.
Write a letter to this friend. In your letter
- Say the he/she would not enjoy going to college
- explain why getting job is good idea for him/her
- suggest types of job that would be suitable for him/her
_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Jon,
I’m happy to see your mail. I’m doing well and I hope things are going on well on your side. First of all, I want to congratulate on completing your Diploma in Computers. I wanted to attend the Convocation Ceremony, however the flight got cancelled. In your letter you have asked me whether you should choose to go for a job or to college. I want to advice you - to go for the job. I think you would not enjoy going to college, because diploma covers almost 60% of the curriculum of the graduation. Due to this, you are not going to learn a lot of new topics for the first four of the semesters.

Getting job is a good idea for you, because most of the employees are looking for self-motivated and self-driven candidates. Also, during your work, you are expected to learn most of the time, and if required, your employer will provide the necessary trainings.

I would like to suggest you to go for Big Data Developer based roles. These roles gives you challenging problems to solve and a very bright career prospects. Please let me know for any further advice.

With Best Regards
Jan

[ieltscharlie]

Hi
It's quite a nice introduction, although I think you need to start addressing the 3 points more quickly - it's 45 words before you get to the first point, so you have less time to respond to the 3 points in detail.

Task achievement is good, although you could add more detail on the 2nd and 3rd points. Coherence and cohesion good: you used some good linking words, and you used about the right amount of these.

The main things to focus on improving are vocabulary and grammar.

Vocabulary
Some very good vocab "Convocation Ceremony", "self-motivated ", "challenging problems , e.g. "to solve" but also a few errors: "trainings" should be "training", "advice" should be "advise" - it's the verb form (advice is the noun form)

Grammar
Main problem is articles - lots of students find this hard! "Getting job " should be "Getting a job "; "most of the employees" should be "most employees".

I hope this helps.