Topic: some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and other measures are required.
Improving public health, as a worldwide purpose, has been a matter of debate. While some people maintain that raising the numeral of sports utilities is valuable to upgrade the common health, others reject the notion, believing that other options should be mandatory. This essay will evaluate both points of views with some facts closely related.
Sports facilities having markedly increased and diversified recently, have influenced people’s life. By elevating the number of sports utilities, such as clubs, sports centers and stadiums, people become more oriented about the value of sport. Meanwhile, availability of these centers in one’s district, motive and encourage people to share in its activities which will positively affect their health state. However, not everyone can obtain this opportunity whether due to health problems or having no time for training. Needless to say that sports facilities are helpful but they cannot be suitable for everyone.
Sports facilities in spite of its publicity; have not obviously affected public health, as other services are needed. The first point to note is that governments, being responsible for people’s life, have to offer other elements to ensure a healthy community. For example, publishing articles and videos which increase people awareness with a healthy diet can be helpful. On the other hand, getting rid of endemic diseases through serving the best health services and quality is mandatory. Also elevating the standard of living by shaking off poverty is useful for the society health state. It is obvious that multiple measures should be done by governments.
To conclude, increasing sport facilities accounts is not the best measure to improve the public health. In my opinion, other services are needed. I hope that governments can maintain healthy societies.
my target score is 7.5 so i need detailed crticism
-
hendhindawy
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Thu Apr 06, 2017 12:27 pm
-
David.IELTS.Examiner
- IELTS Examiner
- Posts: 1371
- Joined: Tue May 05, 2015 4:34 am
Re: my target score is 7.5 so i need detailed crticism
Hello!
I like this question!
Introduction - Very good. Clear. Short.
First main paragraph - Good. The main topic is clear and there is some good development. I think that the examples might be more specific. For instance, you have probably heard of the Paralympics, so which health problems do you mean?
Second main paragraph - Again, good, but there could be some more detail, such as how to provide the 'best' health services, and what those services might be.
Conclusion - Reasonable. The last sentence is pointless.
Overall, a good range of grammar and vocabulary. Mistakes are minor and usually do not affect meaning. The key thing is that points are not very exact, e.g. "Sports facilities ... have not obviously affected public health" (paragraph 2) and "Sports facilities ... have influenced people's life" (paragraph 1).
All the best,
David
I like this question!
Introduction - Very good. Clear. Short.
First main paragraph - Good. The main topic is clear and there is some good development. I think that the examples might be more specific. For instance, you have probably heard of the Paralympics, so which health problems do you mean?
Second main paragraph - Again, good, but there could be some more detail, such as how to provide the 'best' health services, and what those services might be.
Conclusion - Reasonable. The last sentence is pointless.
Overall, a good range of grammar and vocabulary. Mistakes are minor and usually do not affect meaning. The key thing is that points are not very exact, e.g. "Sports facilities ... have not obviously affected public health" (paragraph 2) and "Sports facilities ... have influenced people's life" (paragraph 1).
All the best,
David