Please evaluate my essay and suggests area of improvments

[dhiren]

Question - Car ownership has increased so rapidly over the past thirty years that many cities in the world are now "One big traffic jam".

How true do you think this statement is?
What measures can governments take to discourage people from using their cars?

Answer:
We cannot deny the fact that traffic congestion has sharply risen in the world. One of the most important reasons for this is the availability of cheaper/budget friendly vehicles leading to increased ownership of cars in middle-income people around the world. It is agreed that our cities have become "one big traffic jam". This essay will discuss the factors responsible for the alarming rise in the traffic and what are the measures governments can take to averse people from using their cars.
To begin with, people living in the metro cities are facing an ever growing challenge of an increase in the traffic. For instance, nowadays we commonly hear about the incidence of traffic congestion in the news which last for the hours and even for the days in some cities of China. Thus I feel that metropolitan areas in the world are like a "One Big Traffic Jam"
To improve the situation of traffic in the cities Governments should take concrete measures. One way to do this is by imposing green tax on petrol and diesel. This makes commuting in the cities costly leading to more utilization of public transport system. Governments can start Odd-Even scheme where vehicles with odd number plate are allowed on the odd date of the month and rest on other. These measures in addition to improving public transport system can help governments to better deal with the traffic situation.
To conclude, day by day traffic jams are becoming common and more prevalent. It is time now that Governments should come forward with robust measures to curb the situation.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Actually, in China, the congestion that 'lasts days' really concerns trucks delivering goods, not people in their everyday lives.

The introduction is longer than the first main paragraph and almost as long as the second.

The odd-even system hasn't worked yet. Nor has the idea of increasing the petrol price. You need to consider why these measures have failed or only worked partially at best.

You mention the public transport system, which in Beijing is very good, but still that city has major traffic jams.

To be honest, this is still a reasonable essay, but with this topic, just a little more thought would improve it a LOT!

Grammar is very good and there is some very good vocabulary too - alarming rise, ever growing challenge, imposing, number plate.

Unfortunately, grammar and vocabulary are not used well enough to create a convincing essay.

All the best,
David