[TASK2] Please evaluate this essay thanks :)

[qowlaks]

Television has had a significant influence on the culture of many societies. To what extent would you say that television has positively or negatively affected the cultural development of your society?

You should write at least 250 words.
Allow yourself 40 minutes for this task.

My answer:
 
 
For years, television has introduced into many domesticities. TV quality and TV stations have developed dramatically. Thereby, the hours people spend watching TV has increased. Now, I would like to share my opinions of TV’s positive and negative sides.
 
To begin with, people acknowledge that TV has significant effects on culture in the world. Since people have been devoting plenty of time to watch TV, people have been exchanging various cultures, from other countries. The effect would lead to change such as life style, people’s opinions and so on. In addition, people have been able to obtain numerous information, so some people regard TV as a educational media. This is true that TV can improve intelligence and acknowledge.  
 
On the other hand, even if television has positive aspects, it has many negative aspects as well.  TV stations try to only make exciting TV programmes to interest a great deal of audiences to make much profit. People have started staying longer in front of televisions and by this, many experts assert that TV has a lot of addictive factors. If the addiction worsens considerably, they insist that it could produce social misfits.
 
Speaking of TV programmes, especially introducing other countries’ customs, people are well aware that TV is not capable to include its whole image, thus it would result in making stereotypes which are not relevant to actual images.
 
In conclusion, TV is influential on society both positively and negatively, so I hold the view that TV networks should attempt not to make only programmes attracting many people but also to produce various pertinent programmes which are not too stimulating. Furthermore, they should provide many views and information that help people not to see in a limited way, so that they prevent people from making fixed ideas and opinions.


 

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

I like this essay. Your points are simple, but valid. I think you need to develop/explain them in more detail though.

Vocabulary is a little limited (again, more specific development needed) but you certainly have enough vocab to answer the question.

Grammar is also quite good, with a nice variety of structures and mistakes do not interfere too much with meaning. I strongly recommend that you review the use of modals (would, could, should, might, etc.).

I think that you could easily make this into a very good essay.

All the best,
David

[Flick]

Television has had a significant influence on the culture of many societies. To what extent would you say that television has positively or negatively affected the cultural development of your society?

You should write at least 250 words.
Allow yourself 40 minutes for this task.

My answer:
 
 
For years, television has introduced into many domesticities.(<--Reword to: "Television has become increasingly common across the globe.") TV quality and TV stations have developed dramatically. Therefore, the hours people spend watching TV has increased. Now, I would like to share my opinions of TV’s positive and negative sides.(<--Reword to: "This essay will discuss the pros and cons of this development.")
 
To begin with, people acknowledge that TV has significant effects on culture in the world. Since people have been devoting plenty of time to watching TV, they have been exchanging various cultures from other countries. The effect has been a change in life styles, people’s opinions and so on. In addition, people have been able to obtain more information, so some people regard TV as an educational medium. It is true that TV can improve intelligence and knowledge.  
 
On the other hand, even if television has positive aspects, it has many negative aspects as well.  TV stations try to only make exciting TV programmes that interest a larger audience to make a profit. People have started spending more time in front of televisions and due to this, many experts assert that TV has a lot of addictive factors. If the addiction worsens considerably, they insist that it could produce social misfits.
 
Regarding TV programmes, especially those introducing other countries’ customs, people are well aware that TV is not capable of including the whole picture, thus it may result in creating inaccurate stereotypes.
 
In conclusion, TV is influential on society both positively and negatively, so I hold the view that TV networks should attempt to not only make programmes designed to attract many people, but also to produce various pertinent programmes which are more educational. Furthermore, they should provide many views and information that help people to see the wider picture, in order to prevent people from having fixed ideas and opinions.