My first essay following Ryan's template

[meglio]

Dear community,

This is my first post and I'm Anton from Kiev, Ukraine.

All my writings have been scored band 6 to 6.5 for last few months.

However, I've bought the Ryan's e-book recently and have wrote an essay following his 15 sentences template,
paying closer attention to linking and discussing examples.

I'm now dying to know if this essay has any chance to score band 7+.

I've composed it in 39 minutes, however I used the Longman dictionary on my phone for collocations, prepositions and thesaurus.

I've also used a pencil and erased a lot while writing - could anyone tip if this is allowed on the real IELTS exam?

Any comments regarding my writing are welcome,
thank you in advance!

Regards,
Anton


Task 2
Smart devices have put all of the world’s information at our fingertips.
What are the drawbacks of this development?

Essay

Smartphones and netbooks today are widely used by everyone. Among all the benefits that these devices bring to our lives, the most notable is how easily information about everything can be accessed. Despite it is helpful for people in a lot of ways, there are several disadvantages of such availability. Discussing how it affects health and capabilities of humans shows this.

Firstly, not only good, but also bad and harmful information is being spread around the world with using electronic devices connected to the Internet. For example, it took only a few hours to let the whole planet know about the terrorist incident on 11th September in the USA. Every catastrophe, death, incident or another bad news is published online and read by millions of people just because they have phones in their pockets. This makes people live in a stressed society and in turn leads to increased crime rates, a very dangerous tendency.

Secondly, people are becoming more helpless without their electronic assistants. German researches show that in average people tend to memorize less and rather rely on information available through their laptops. Wikipedia and dictionaries are very good examples of all-in-one resources that causes lots of people to prefer searching instead of knowing. This is bad in that it makes people unsafe when they cannot use their computers, and tractable when they can.

In conclusion, a variety of possibilities come to our aid with all the data available in smartphones and computers. However, there is more than one reason why we should be careful with such possibilities. I hope that more control will be put soon to what kind of information should be freely accessible by ordinary people.

[EnglishTeacher]

Dear community,

This is my first post and I'm Anton from Kiev, Ukraine.

All my writings have been scored band 6 to 6.5 for last few months.

However, I've bought the Ryan's e-book recently and have wrote an essay following his 15 sentences template,
paying closer attention to linking and discussing examples.

I'm now dying to know if this essay has any chance to score band 7+.

I've composed it in 39 minutes, however I used the Longman dictionary on my phone for collocations, prepositions and thesaurus.

I've also used a pencil and erased a lot while writing - could anyone tip if this is allowed on the real IELTS exam?

Any comments regarding my writing are welcome,
thank you in advance!

Regards,
Anton


Task 2
Smart devices have put all of the world’s information at our fingertips.
What are the drawbacks of this development?

Essay

Smartphones and netbooks today are widely used by everyone. Among all the benefits that these devices bring to our lives, the most notable is how easily information about everything can be accessed. Though it is helpful for people in a lot of ways, there are several disadvantages to such availability, as an analysis of howit affects the health and capabilities of humans shows.

Firstly, bothgood andalso harmful information is being spread around the world throughelectronic devices connected to the Internet. For example, it took only a few hours to let the whole planet know about the terrorist incident on September 11th in the USA. Every catastrophe, death, incident or other bad news is published online and read by millions of people just because they have phones in their pockets. This makes people live in a stressed society and, in turn, leads to increased crime rates, a very dangerous tendency.

Secondly, people are becoming more helpless without their electronic assistants. German research showsthat on average people tend to memorize less and rather rely on information being available through their laptops. Wikipedia and dictionaries are very good examples of all-in-one resources that cause lots of people to prefer searching instead of knowing. This is bad because it makes people unsafe when they cannot use their computers, and tractable when they can.

In conclusion, a variety of possibilities come to our aid with all the data available in smartphones and computers. However, there is more than one reason why we should be careful with such possibilities. I hope that more control will be put soon on what kind of information should be freely accessible by ordinary people.

[meglio]

EnglishTeacher, thank you very much for your corrections!

[meglio]

If we pretend there were no those grammatical errors, which band this essay scores approximately? Any ideas?