pls grade it !!task 1- invite friend to travel with you

[rairaichan0323]

You have a plan to go holiday. You would like to with your friend.

Write a letter him
explain why you need an holiday
what is your holiday plan
why you want your friend to go with you

Dear Jenny,

How are you doing? I hope you are well. I’m writing to invite you to travel to Perth with me.

We have just finished our final essay; therefore, I think it is a great chance for us to have a long journey before starting a job. As you know that it would be impossible to take such a long holiday after commencing a work.

I’m planning to go to Perth for a month. A friend of mine is currently staying in there; hence, we could stay at her place. She would like to show us the sights of Western Australia. We could also rent a car to travel around such as Albany and Margret River. I believe that this trip could broaden our horizons and also could enrich our experience.

I’d be grateful if it’s possible for you to go with me. As you’re my best friend and I really want to have an unforgettable trip with you. I’m looking forward to hearing your response.

Kind regards,

Janis

[rairaichan0323]

anyone can check it for me? thank you

[durai]

Dear Jenny,

How are you doing ( remove 'doing', its not a common phrase)? I hope you are doing well. I’m ( very good informal tone, keep this tone until the end) writing to invite you to travel to Perth with me.

We have just finished our final semester. ( essay?, does any people go for holiday after an essay); therefore, I think it is a great chance for us to have a long journey before starting a job. As you know that remove 'that' it would be impossible to take such a long holiday after commencing a work.

I’m planning to go to Perth for a month. A friend of mine is currently staying in there; hence, we could stay at her place. She would like to show us the sights of Western Australia. We could also rent a car to travel around rivers such as ( 'such as' , you could use as an example of a subject) Albany and Margret. I believe that this trip could broaden our horizons, and also could ( modal verbs cannot be used two times in a sentence, it sounds awkward, remove 'could'enrich our experience.

I’d be grateful if you accompany me. As you’re my best friend, and I really want to have an unforgettable trip with your company. I’m looking forward to hearing your response.

Kind regards,

Janis


Hi Rairaichan,

Good letter, task response is clearly visible, however, sentence structure and vocabulary are not good enough for the task and grammar errors are frequent.

It looks band 6,....I post mine soon.

[rairaichan0323]

Dear Durai,

could you please check my essay? i am confusing how to write this essay. i tried to follow Ryan's template. i believe u are familiar with his template. thank you for ur helping.

http://www.ieltsnetwork.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=1321