please evaluate my task 2 essay. I really need it

[yass]

Nowadays, celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than their achievements and this sets a bad example to young people.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.

It is sometimes argued that most of celebrities do not play an impressive role model for young people since they represent glamorous aspects of their life more than their performance. In my opinion, this issue can have negative effects on the attitude of young generation. This will be proven by using the reasons and examples in following paragraphs.
Firstly, it is a fact that following famous people who represent their material possessions can change the human values among the youth. It means that, young people will not care anymore to other values like social status. It is clear that, in this situation the definition of person worth will change in the society. Thus, this can be too detrimental for young generations.
Secondly, according to the psychologists, bolding the only luxurious lifestyle of a well-known person can have adverse impact on young people behaviors and tendency. For example, they learn that the only way of being a famous person is having more property and material possessions instead of striving for their purpose through working hard. Therefore, it can have psychological impact on the young people´s thought and this kind of celebrities will not be an inspiration person for their fans.
To sum up, after analyzing the effects of excessive attention to wealthy side of a famous people on young people´s insight to life and its psychological effects on their tendency and behavior, it is strongly agreed that nowadays celebrities are not an excellent pattern for young generations.

[alec33]

Nowadays, celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than their achievements and this sets a bad example to young people.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.

It is sometimes argued that most of celebrities aren't an impressive role model for young people since they represent glamorous aspects of their life more than their performance--vague and hard to understand. In my opinion, this issue can have negative effects on the attitude of young generation--on the attitude towards what?. This will be proven by using the reasons and examples in following paragraphs.
Firstly, it is a fact that following--which following people? you haven't mentioned them-- famous people who represent their material possessions can change the human values among the youth. It means that, young people will not care anymore to other values like social status--would sound better if you write it like this 'about other values except their social status'--still, social status is not a value. It is clear that, in this situation the definition of person worth will change in the society. Thus, this can be too detrimental for young generations.
Secondly, according to the psychologists, bolding--not sure what you wanted to say by using this word-- the only luxurious lifestyle of a well-known person can have adverse impact on young people behaviors and tendency. For example, they learn that the only way of being a famous person is having more property and material possessions instead of striving for their purpose--'reaching their goal'-- through working hard. Therefore, it can have psychological impact on the young people´s thought--way of thinking//mindset//frame of mind-- and this kind of celebrities will not be an inspiration person--better to leave this word out-- for their fans.
To sum up, after analyzing the effects of excessive attention to wealthy side of a famous people on young people´s insight to life and its psychological effects on their tendency and behavior, it is strongly agreed that nowadays celebrities are not an excellent pattern for young generations.--you should paraphrase it, it sounds a little bit awkward and unnatural

The above are my corrections. Generally I'd say you should read more in English since it seems like your vocabulary is limited and you use wrong collocations for certain words