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Hi guys,
I need your help.

Yesterday, I had a debate with an IELTS teacher on how to develop an idea in an Essay.

Below is the example:

I am trying to talk about the disadvantages of part-time job for children and I got two ideas:
1. Teenagers are too busy on their study.
2. Teenagers may learn something bad from their adult coworkers.

The first sentence is quite simple – the topic sentence:
On the one hand, I agree that there are certain disadvantages for children to take a part-time job.

The question is about the way I develop my first idea, I wrote it as below:
Firstly, children nowadays are already busy enough on their academic study and their school work is just as demanding as a full-time job for adults. Thus, taking a part-time job will occupy their valuable time and impact their school performance.

The teacher told me that the sequence of sentences is wrong. He insists that the first sentence should be the direct conclusion and it should be further explained in the second sentence. It looks like below:
Firstly, taking part-time job could have negative impact on children’s school performance. This is because children nowadays are already busy enough on their academic study and their school work is just as demanding as a full-time job for adults. Thus, the time spent on part-time job will occupy children’s valuable time on their study.

Can anyone help me to clarify this issue?
I am a little confused. The first one is in a logical sequence and sounds natural to me. The second one also makes sense, however, after the second sentence, I still have to struggle to get back to a conclusion which is actually the first sentence.

Anyone want to join this discussion?
I really need some advice on this issue.

Hi Allen,

The teacher is right, you should have some topic sentence related to the task.

here, its about drawbacks, so you need to convince why it is a drawback.

for example, in your topic sentence,

Firstly, children nowadays are already busy enough on their academic study and their school work is just as demanding as a full-time job for adults. Thus, taking a part-time job will occupy their valuable time and impact their school performance.

when I read first line, i think the task is about Does it possible for students' to go part-time while studying ?

Basically, when you write topic sentence it should answer the question, then develop that response. you can give the above sentence while discussing. That way you get good score for TR

I hope this helps.

If I had to correct this, it would be something like this.

Firstly, children nowadays are already busy enough on their academic study, and their school work is just as demanding as a full-time job for adults. Thus, taking a part-time job will occupy their valuable time and impact their school performance.

Your teacher is correct though. You state/declare something. Then you elaborate. Then you conclude. You are not really off the mark much. It is not a big difference. But if you do that all over your essay , it begins to seem a bit 'Slippery'. The three point development of idea adds the much required element of stability.

This is a very interesting thread topic, Allen. It reminds me of a conversation I had on Facebook last night with an IELTS candidate that wanted to know what the "most correct" IELTS essay structure was.

The problem with this question is that it lacks an answer. There is no single "correct" essay structure. Examiners weigh essays based on logical progression and persuasive/analytical merit and thus expect the candidate to exhibit structure in their writing. They are, however, not expecting a certain structure. So I think your thread brings up a very helpful discussion on how to logically develop an idea.

Let's break your argument progression down and compare it to your teacher's. In simplified terms, the logical steps you are asking the reader to follow are:

1. I claim there are certain disadvantages to the idea of children working part-time jobs.
2. Children are busy with their studies.
3. A child's studies are just as demanding as an adult's full-time job.
4. Thus, a child's studies would be affected negatively following the addition of a part-time job.

Your instructor's progression looks like this:

1. I claim there are certain disadvantages to the idea of children working part-time jobs.
2. A child's studies would be negatively impacted by a part-time job.
3. Children are busy with their studies.
4. A child's studies are just as demanding as an adult's full-time job.
5. Thus, a part-time job would eat into the time available to a child's studies.

To me, there are two differences here.

Firstly, your teacher's approach makes a more specific claim (topic sentence). This makes me think your teacher was likely suggesting you remove step #1 ("I claim...") altogether. I think this could be a viable structure, as there would still be a clear statement in the concluding sentence to act as a link back to the central theme of the essay.

The second difference is the manner in which your instructor words their conclusion. Unlike your paragraph, there is no clear mention of the damaging effect a part-time job could have on a child's studies, and I feel this leaves the conclusion a bit ambiguous. Perhaps this is something you left out when you retyped your instructor's position?

In my personal opinion, I think a combination of both approaches would carry the reader to the conclusion you want to establish. Something like this would work:

1. A child's studies would be negatively impacted by a part-time job.
2. A child's studies are just as demanding as a full-time job.
3. The work quality of an adult employed full-time would be affected negatively by the addition of a part-time job, and the same can be assumed true for a child's studies.
4. Thus, there are certain disadvantages to the idea of children working part-time jobs.

To give you an idea of how this would look fleshed out:

On the one hand, children incur certain academic hardships when they take on part-time jobs. For example, the average student in China devotes no less than 10 hours every day to their studies, a number comparable to the amount of time the average Chinese adult contributes to a full-time job. As it would be illogical to expect an adult's performance at a full-time job to be unaffected were they to also take on part-time work, it is clear that a child's studies would be negatively impacted by the addition of a part-time job. Therefore, there are clear disadvantages to encouraging part-time employment among children.

I guess the only problem with the logical progression here is that it assumes the reader would agree that full-time jobs for adults would be negatively affected by the addition of a part-time job.

While we're on the subject of persuading the reader, I'd like to point out how valuable examples are. If you look at my sample paragraph, you'll notice how the argument is brought to life through its tangible instances. By connecting our claim to the real world, the relevance and believability of our message becomes so much more apparent to the reader.

Anyway, there are many possible approaches to the logical progression of your paragraph on part-time jobs and children. Consider doing some reading on logical argument, deductive reasoning and syllogism. I don't pretend to be an expert on the subject, but I tried my best to pull together an article outlining logical progression in IELTS writing here: http://ieltsielts.com/the-power-of-argu ... paragraph/

Thank you, Ryan!

Since I am on my Iphone, I have to keep my response short.

Omitting a lot of words which are supposed to express my gratitude .....


One thing to clarify:

It was just a very short talk with my teacher and I wrote all those sentences.


Another issue:

Regarding the idea about "part-time job afftects school performance". It is just one of the 2 ideas which I want to present in one paragraph. Therefore, I just want to write 2 or 3 sentences on it. This is exactly why this problem comes: if I write a topic sentence, I will have to explain it in the following sentence. After this second sentence I will have to draw a conclusion from it. The problem is that it will repeat the topic sentence.

allen_zhang wrote:Thank you, Ryan!

One thing to clarify:

It was just a very short talk with my teacher and I wrote all those sentences.

I completely understand. I'm sure your instructor's approach to the paragraph was very effective. Perhaps we've lost a bit of the original meaning here.

allen_zhang wrote: Another issue:

Regarding the idea about "part-time job afftects school performance". It is just one of the 2 ideas which I want to present in one paragraph. Therefore, I just want to write 2 or 3 sentences on it. This is exactly why this problem comes: if I write a topic sentence, I will have to explain it in the following sentence. After this second sentence I will have to draw a conclusion from it. The problem is that it will repeat the topic sentence.

Yes, I also noticed that. If you look to my suggested topic sentence in the fleshed out paragraph, you'll see that I try to address that issue by combining your original topic sentence (i.e. disadvantages that derive from part-time work) and the topic sentence suggested by your instructor, which much more specific. I know your instructor's piece reads as if the conclusion comes first, but in English it is considered good style to state a claim and then prove it in the lines that follow. I write most of my model IELTS supporting paragraphs this way.

Thanks，Ryan！

I am fully convinced.

very informative topic!
this is the reason why essay writing is so interesting!