Some people think that zoos are all cruel and should be closed down. Others, however, believe that zoos can be useful in

[Lion heart]

Some people think that zoos are all cruel and should be closed down. Others, however, believe that zoos can be useful in protecting wild animals.

Discuss both opinions and give your own opinion.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge



Zoos nowadays provide people with a never-before-seen opportunity to learn more about animals and enjoy watching them. But to what extent is founding zoos justifiable?

Captive animals usually suffer at the hands of humans. Some struggle with debilitating depressions as they have evolved to live in nature, not in a cage. Seldom are they provided a sizeable place to live in when kept in a zoo. Many of them need to run or fly to keep healthy, so being confined by cage walls can contribute to such health issues. To make the matter even worse, many zoos keep vulnerable animals that belong to certain climates different from the place they are kept. Polar bears and penguins, for example, are seen in a number of zoos in India, a country with scorching hot weather. Is human’s entertainment at the cost of animals’ suffering morally oriented? How can humans claim to have become civilized when torturing defenseless animals?

However, driven by changing public attitudes, some zoos, in recent years, have evolved from places for entertainment to animals’ sanctuaries. In fact, zoos have conserved some animal species that otherwise would have been wiped out. African rhinos are one solid example that are poached in their habitat because of their super expensive horns. These animals are luckier when captive than free. Zoos can also be significant role takers in wildlife recovery in the foreseeable future as more severe climate changes will be experienced. These places can provide shelters to endangered animals as technology-driven systems can maintain the required temperature and moisture to facilitate life for some iconic species like Polar bears since the Arctic is likely to become ice-free.

Although zoos have a mixed history, I believe they are going to play a key role in wildlife preservation in the not too distant future.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission Lion heart!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
Zoos nowadays provide people with a never-before-seen OPPORTUNITIES to learn more about animals and enjoy watching them. But to what extent is IT justifiable TO CONTINUE USING ZOOS? THIS ESSAY WILL ANALYSE BOTH SIDES OF THIS ISSUE AND GIVE THE AUTHOR'S OPINION.

B1:
ON THE ONE HAND, captive animals usually suffer TERRIBLY at the hands of human BEINGS. Some struggle with debilitating depression as they have evolved to live in nature, not in CONFINED AND UNCOMFORTABLE cageS. Seldom are they provided WITH a sizeable place to live in when kept in a zoo AND AS many of them need to run or fly to keep healthy, being confined by THE walls OF A CAGE can contribute to such health issues. To make matterS even worse, many zoos FORCE vulnerable animals (that SHOULD BE LIVING IN MUCH HOTTER OR COLDER climates) TO LIVE IN UNSUITABLE ENVIRONMENTS. Polar bears and penguins, for example, CAN BE seen in a number of zoos in India, a country with scorching hot weather. THIS MAKES ONE WONDER HOW HUMAN BEINGS CAN MORALLY JUSTIFY THEIR OWN ENTERTAINMENT AT THE COST OF HELPLESS ANIMALS. How can humans claim to have become civilized when torturing defenseless animals?

B2:
However, driven by changing public attitudes, some zoos, in recent years, have evolved from places OF entertainment INTO animal sanctuaries. In fact, SOME zoos have conserved some animal species that otherwise would have been wiped out. African rhinos are one solid example. THESE ANIMALS are poached in their NATIVE habitat because of their horns WHICH COMMAND EXTREMELY HIGH PRICES ON THE BLACK MARKET. These animals are MUCH MORE FORTUNATE WHEN FREE THAN CAPTIVE. Zoos can also TAKE A significant ROLE in wildlife recovery inTO the foreseeable future as THE WORLD BEGINS TO GO THROUGH MUCH MORE SEVERE CLIMATE CHANGE. These places can provide shelters to endangered animals THROUGH THE USE OF technology-driven systems WHICH can FACILITATE COMFORTABLE LIVING ENVIRONMENTS BY maintainING required temperatureS and moisture LEVELS FOR iconic species like Polar bears (NO CAPITAL 'P') since the Arctic is likely to become ice-free.

CONC:
IN CONCLUSION, FOR THE ABOVE REASONS, I BELIEVE THAT although zoos DO have a mixed history, they are MORE THAN LIKELY going to play a key role in wildlife preservation in the not too distant future.

Advice:
1. Try to write slightly longer intros and conclusions. It would be nice to include a 'thesis statement' at the the of the intro beginning "The following essay will.."
2. Include more qualifying language like adverbs (terribly) and short phrases.
3. Don't forget your connecting phrases at the beginning of B1.

TA: 8.0
G: 7.5 (make better use of relative clauses)
V: 8.0
CC: (Very good in B1, not so much in B2)