Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Some individuals think that the most ideal way to career advancement is initially continuing education at either university or college, whereas it is is said that it can be more helpful if people start to find a job immediately after school. I believe that both notions can lead to an appealing career prospect.
There are some people who may argue that the best route to get a thriving occupation is applying for higher education. The main reason behind this might be due to better financial situation. In other words, the more academic qualifications a person has acquired, the more likely to take up a job with decent salary. As well as that, white-collar professions can only be achievable by entering university. To illustrate, those who are enthusiastic about medical occupations will not be able to get theire desired job unless they take a medical degree at university to become eligible to work in healthcare environment. Hence, studying at university or college is the best way to be employed in satisfying jobs.
On the other hand, it might be claimed that individuals should try to get a job after finishing their school in order to climb up career ladder. Since nowadays the employment market is becoming more and more competitive, some people may struggle to find a job. For instance, those who have graduated from universities may say that if they had tried to find a job after school rather than wasting their time at university, they would have had more job opportunities. More importantly, although studying at university gives students the chance to get a qualified degree, employers often are more willing to hire those who have gained valuable working experience. Consequently, the idea of being recruited straightly after school might be appealing on account of more business possiblities and experience.
In conclusion, while some people may find higher education as the best way to take up a position in society, I believe that people who are employed immediately after school can become as successful as educated workers provided they have enough motivation and dedication to follow their dreams.
successful career- band score please
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Re: successful career- band score please
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Thanks for your submission Techna!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
Some individuals think that the most ideal way to career advancement is BY initially continuing THEIR education at either A university or A college, whereas PEOPLE WITH A CONTRASTING VIEWPOINT SAY that it can be more helpful if people start to find a job immediately after school. I believe that both notions can lead to appealing career prospectS.
B1:
ON THE ONE HAND, there are some people who may argue that the best route to a thriving occupation is TO APPLY for ENTRANCE TO higher education. The main reason behind this might be due to THE RESULTING better financial situation / A BETTER FINANCIAL SITUATION. In other words, the more academic qualifications a person has acquired, the more likely THEY ARE to GET a job with A decent salary. As well as that, ENTRANCE TO white-collar professions IS ONLY achievable by FINISHING university. To illustrate THIS POINT, those who are enthusiastic about medical occupations will not be able to get theire (THEIR) desired job unless they take a medical degree at university to become eligible to work in THE healthcare environment. Hence, studying at university or college is the best way to be employed in A satisfying JOB.
B2:
On the other hand, it might be claimed that individuals should try to get a job IMMEDIATELY after finishing their schoolING in order to climb THE career ladder. AS the employment market is NOWADAYS becoming more and more competitive, some people may ALSO struggle to find a job. For instance, those who have graduated from universitY may say that if they had tried to find a job after school rather than wasting their time at university, they would have had more job opportunities LATER ON IN LIFE (EXCELLENT CONITIONAL
). More importantly, although studying at university gives students the chance to BECOME qualified WITH A degree, employers are OFTEN more willing to hire those who have gained valuable working experience. Consequently, the idea of being recruited STRAIGHT after school might be appealing on account of more business POSSIBILITIES and experience.
CONC:
In conclusion, while some people may find higher education TO BE the best way to take up a BETTER OF HIGHER position in society, I believe that people who are employed immediately after school can ALSO QUITE EASILY become as successful as educated workers provided they have enough motivation and (THE DEDICATION TO or ARE DEDICATED ENOUGH TO) follow their dreams.
Advice:
1. There are only minor grammatical errors in this essay. However, to score above 7.5 you can only make small number of errors (an examiner told me 3 or 4).
2. Put adverbs in the right places, and combine adverbs with linking language ('also quite easily')
3. 'Since' in paragraph 3 is a little confusing. Is it for time or reason? Change it to a clearer word (as).
TA: 7.5
G: 7.0
V: 7.5
CC: 6.5 (mostly quite simple 1 or 2 word connectors)
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YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbVrKy ... LmQirBfSTw
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Thanks for your submission Techna!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
Some individuals think that the most ideal way to career advancement is BY initially continuing THEIR education at either A university or A college, whereas PEOPLE WITH A CONTRASTING VIEWPOINT SAY that it can be more helpful if people start to find a job immediately after school. I believe that both notions can lead to appealing career prospectS.
B1:
ON THE ONE HAND, there are some people who may argue that the best route to a thriving occupation is TO APPLY for ENTRANCE TO higher education. The main reason behind this might be due to THE RESULTING better financial situation / A BETTER FINANCIAL SITUATION. In other words, the more academic qualifications a person has acquired, the more likely THEY ARE to GET a job with A decent salary. As well as that, ENTRANCE TO white-collar professions IS ONLY achievable by FINISHING university. To illustrate THIS POINT, those who are enthusiastic about medical occupations will not be able to get theire (THEIR) desired job unless they take a medical degree at university to become eligible to work in THE healthcare environment. Hence, studying at university or college is the best way to be employed in A satisfying JOB.
B2:
On the other hand, it might be claimed that individuals should try to get a job IMMEDIATELY after finishing their schoolING in order to climb THE career ladder. AS the employment market is NOWADAYS becoming more and more competitive, some people may ALSO struggle to find a job. For instance, those who have graduated from universitY may say that if they had tried to find a job after school rather than wasting their time at university, they would have had more job opportunities LATER ON IN LIFE (EXCELLENT CONITIONAL
). More importantly, although studying at university gives students the chance to BECOME qualified WITH A degree, employers are OFTEN more willing to hire those who have gained valuable working experience. Consequently, the idea of being recruited STRAIGHT after school might be appealing on account of more business POSSIBILITIES and experience.CONC:
In conclusion, while some people may find higher education TO BE the best way to take up a BETTER OF HIGHER position in society, I believe that people who are employed immediately after school can ALSO QUITE EASILY become as successful as educated workers provided they have enough motivation and (THE DEDICATION TO or ARE DEDICATED ENOUGH TO) follow their dreams.
Advice:
1. There are only minor grammatical errors in this essay. However, to score above 7.5 you can only make small number of errors (an examiner told me 3 or 4).
2. Put adverbs in the right places, and combine adverbs with linking language ('also quite easily')
3. 'Since' in paragraph 3 is a little confusing. Is it for time or reason? Change it to a clearer word (as).
TA: 7.5
G: 7.0
V: 7.5
CC: 6.5 (mostly quite simple 1 or 2 word connectors)
