IELTS Task 2: Quick Evaluation needed, exam next week

[anmolpandey]

Some people say that in all levels of education, from primary schools to universities, too much time is spent on learning facts and not [/b]enough on learning practical skills.
Do you agree or disagree?

It is considered by many that educational institutions invest most of their resources on teaching facts and figures regardless of the academic level, and very little emphasis is given to life skills. I completely agree with this opinion and think that schools and colleges have been neglecting the importance of practical skills and expertise over theoretical knowledge.

First of all, very few academies have been providing vocational training courses to students during schooling or college level. In fact, the teaching learning process is confined within the bookish knowledge only rather than balancing the theory and practical sessions, as a result, many times students would be unable to exhibit their intelligence in practice. In schools, for instance, majority of books are related to science and language but very few are of technical skills which can possibly prepare them to decide on a career from an early age.

Moreover, searching for appropriate job after graduation is of a great challenge due to the lack of basic essential skills. In other words, many students lack the simple skills required to enter the job market, such as IT skills, which is a necessity rather than a choice in this technological era where everything requires computer skills to perform job efficiently. Consequently, many end up with positions below their academic achievement as they are short of essential technical skills to handle the responsibility of work.

In conclusion, despite some institutions are allocating some funds and time to equip students with life skill training, they are not adequate yet to prepare them for future, instead major focus is still on learning facts and numbers. However, in my view, theoretical knowledge should be accompanied by practical skills in most, if not all, subjects to generate synergy effect.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission anmolpandey!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
It is considered by many that educational institutions invest most of their resources on teaching facts and figures regardless of the academic level, and GIVE very little emphasis to life skills (keep the verbs 'invest' and 'give' in the same tense). I completely agree with this opinion and think that schools and colleges have been neglecting the importance of practical skills and expertise WHILE FOCUSING TOO MUCH ON theoretical knowledge.

B1:
First of all, very few academies have been providing vocational training courses to students WHEN THEY ARE AT school (NO -ing) or college level. In fact, the teaching learning process is confined within the REALM OF bookish knowledge WHEN IN FACT THEY SHOULD BE balancing the theory and practical sessionS. As a result, IN A LOT OF SITUATIONS students ARE NOW unable to SHOW WHAT THEY HAVE LEARNED in practice. In schools, for instance, THE majority of books are related to science and language but very few TEACH technical skills which WOULD PROBABLY DO A BETTER JOB OF preparING them to decide on a career from an early age.

B2:
Moreover, searching for AN appropriate job after graduation is (DELETE 'of') a great challenge due to the lack of basic essential skills. In other words, many students lack EVEN the simple skills required to enter the job market, such as IT skills, which is a necessity rather than a choice in this technological era where everything requires computer skills to perform A job efficiently. Consequently, many end up with positions THAT ARE below their academic achievement as they are short of THE essential technical skills THEY NEED to handle the responsibility of work.

CONC:
In conclusion, despite THE FACT THAT some institutions are allocating some funds and time to equip students with life skill training, THIS ALONE IS STILL OFTEN not ENOUGH yet to prepare them for future, instead major focus is still on learning facts and numbers. However, in my view, theoretical knowledge should be accompanied by practical skills in most, if not all, subjects to generate THE effect OF SYNERGY / SYNERGY.

Advice:
1. If two verbs ('invest' and 'give') refer to the same subject ('educational institutions'), try to keep them the same tense.
2. Sometimes simple language is better than complex language ('show what they have learned' rather than 'exhibit their intelligence').
3. Write full relative clauses ('... end up with positions THAT ARE below...')

TA: 6.5
G: 6.0
V: 6.0
CC: 6.0