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Some people think that children should begin their formal education at a very early age and should spend most of their time on school studies. Others believe that young children should spend most of their time playing. Compare these two views. Which view do you agree with? Why?

Answer
The education system has a crucial role in the development of humans. Because of this many people think children should start school as early as possible. Conversely, there there are many who think early childhood is the age of playing and learning things without bothering about education. In my opinion, children should start there study at early age and this idea will be elaborated in this essay.
Childhood is the age of playing and learning communication skills with their friends. Children's cognitive ability developed rapidly if they play and learn. Children who spent most of the time in school can get less time with their parents. Hence, they have less affinity to their family. Although school at very young age learn many things in initial years, this learning may go in vain if children don't have respect to their parents. So, formal education can be taken letter on but communication skill and virtues are fundamental aspects which can be learned with friends and parents respectively.
However, I think that formal education can give virtues, communication skill alone with fundamentals of education at very early age. If this initial learning give a boost to pupils' ability at very early age. Starting education late and finished it at the age of 30 is not a good idea. Rather education should be started at early age and finished it early. In addition, many working parents consider a school is a safe place for their children while they are at their office.
In Conclusion, Although children should spend their early life by playing and enjoying with parents and friends, they cannot get the fundamental educational other than school.

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Thanks for your submission ppatelronak!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
The education system has a crucial role TO PLAY in human DEVELOPMENT, AND because of this many people think THAT children should start school as early as possible. Conversely, there there are many who think early childhood SHOULD BE the age of playing and learning things without bothering about education. In my opinion, children should start THEIR study at early age and this idea will be elaborated in this essay.

B1:
ON THE ONE HAND, childhood is the age of playing and learning communication skills with (delete 'their') friends. Children's cognitive ability developS rapidly if they LEARN BY PLAYING. Children who spenD most of the time in school can get less time with their parents. Hence, they have less affinity FOR their family. Although school FROM A very young age CAN HELP KIDS learn many things in THEIR initial years, this learning may BE in vain if children don't have respect FOR their parents. So, formal education can be taken LATER on, but communication skillS and virtues are fundamental aspects which can ONLY be learned with friends and parents (don't need 'respectively' here).

B2:
However, I DO think that formal education HAS ITS virtues, SUCH AS communication skill alone with fundamentals of education at very early age. If this initial learning give a boost to pupils' ability at very early age. Starting education late and finished it at the age of 30 is not a good idea. Rather education should be started at early age and finished it early. In addition, many working parents consider a school is a safe place for their children while they are at their office.
(it's very hard to correct the B2 because the meaning is unclear)

CONC:
In conclusion (small 'c'), although (small 'a') children should spend their early life (delete 'by') playing and enjoying with parents and friends, they cannot IGNORE the fundamental education THAT IS PROVIDED BY THEIR school.

Advice:
1. Make good use of modals i.e. "... early childhood SHOULD be... "
2. Spelling! 'their' NOT 'there'
3. Be careful with prepositions like 'for', 'to', 'from' in B1.
4. I think you got tired because the B2 is much lower quality than the B1. There is no connection between the sentences in the B2. For example, in the second sentence, you start an 'if' conditional, but do not finish it.

This essay has a very good start in the intro and B1, but the quality decreases after halfway...
TA: 5.5
G: 5.0 (because of B2 quality)
V: 5.5
CC: 5.5

Thanks for the evaluation. I will try my best to implement your suggestion in my next essay.

Good luck! I hope it works out for you. Please write another essay with my 'advice' and submit it to IELTS Network...

Many people believe that we should protect all wild animals while others believe we should just protect some of them, give your opinion on this.

The threat to wild animals have been increased due to unprecedented deforestation for industrial as well as residential purpose. In this reckless devastation of forest, it is essential to protect wild animals. Many people think all the animals have equal right to leave on this planet. Hence, they all should be protected. However, for several reasons, which I will explain below, I reckon that animals which are at the verge of extinction should be prioritized.
Although all the wild animals are affected due to human activity, they all are not adversly impacted in equal proportion. Population of some species decreases at an alarming level while others adapt theirselves with new environment. Lions, for instance, they are not as adaptive as other small species like sparros and crows. Hence, it is crucial to identify specific animal which are at the verge of extinction and focus specifically on them to increase their number. If government focus on all the wild animal, it may happen that non of them get attention. So, it is easy way to identify endangered species and give complete focus for increasing their numbers.
Moreover, it becomes easy to spread awareness among civilians about a specific animal. White Panda, for instance, it became famous by world wide fund for nature and people all over the world aware that the numbers of white panda has rapidly plummeted. In addition to this, research become easy if scientists start focusing on breading method of perticular species. Hence, it is fruitful to focuse on perticular specis to increase their numbers. Once the numbers of targeted species increased government can change their focus to another one.
In conclusion, targeting specific wild animals can give positive outcome in a short time, while the idea of saving all the animals at the same time may results into the extinction of some species.

Please see my rewrite below...

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INTRO:
The threat to wild animals HAS been increaseING due to unprecedented LEVELS OF deforestation for industrial as well as residential purpose. BECAUSE OF this reckless devastation of OUR forestS, it is essential to protect wild animals. Many people think all the animals have equal rightS to LIVE on this planet, AND hence, (delete "they") all should be protected. However, for several reasons, which I will explain below, I BELIEVE that animals which are ON the verge of extinction should be prioritized.

B1:
Although human activity AFFECTS ALL WILD ANIMALS, they are not ALL adversly impacted in equal proportion . THE populationS of some species ARE decreasING at (DELETE 'an') alarming RATES, while others adapt theirselves TO THEIR new environment. Lions, for instance, (delete 'they') are not as adaptive as other small species like sparroWs and crows. Hence, it is crucial to identify THE specificS animal which are ON the verge of extinction and focus specifically on them to increase their number. If THE government focusES/GOVERNMENTS FOCUS on all the wild animalS, it may happen that nonE of them get attention. So, it is AN easy way to identify endangered species and focus COMPLETELY ON increasing their numbers.

B2:
Moreover, it IS NOW easy to spread awareness among civilians about specific animalS. THE White Panda, for instance, (delete 'it') became famous by world wide fund for nature and people all over the world aware that the numbers of white panda has rapidly plummeted. In addition to this, research become easy if scientists start focusing on breEding methodS FOR pArticular species. Hence, it is fruitful to FOCUS (no "e") on pArticular speciEs to increase their numbers. Once the numbers of targeted species increase, governmentS can change their focus to other oneS.

CONC:
In conclusion, targeting specific wild animals can give positive outcome in a short time, while the idea of saving all the animals at the same time may results IN the extinction of some species.

Good job!!! Better than last time.
Advice:
1. Deforestation is still happening, so you should use present perfect continuous in line 1.
2. Don't use double subjects ('lions' and 'they' in B1) and ('white panda' and 'it' in B2).
3. "ON" the verge of extinction
4. "The World Wide Fund for Nature drew people's awareness to the fact that the number of white pandas has been plummeting worldwide."

TA: 6.5
G: 5.5 (a lot of singular/plural problems)
V: 6.5
CC: 5.5