Task 2 writing. Please evaluate my response.

[dinosaur2007]

Question:
In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Answer:
Transportation is an integral part of our lives, whether within cities or between them. It is often argued by some people that we are falling behind in terms of connecting cities and that we need to introduce fast trains in new railway lines, while others believe that internal transportation should receive most of the funding to be improved. Personally, both opinions seem equally reasonable to me.

Regarding the opinion in favour of improving intercity connections, people believe that a lot of countries have developed significantly, and very fast trains can be seen in them as the need for transportation from a city to another has risen. I could add by saying that some people live in small cities where job opportunities are not as abundant as metropolitan ones. As a result, these people would have to accept job offers in more distant cities, which would require a daily commute. If it had not been for those incredibly fast trains, people would have either spent hours to commute to work daily or stay unemployed for longer periods of time. People who have experienced those fast trains have reported their ability to commute from a city to another in roughly half an hour, which to me sounds revolutionary. These advantages can be a strong drive for other countries to allocate a portion of their budgets to copy their models and in turn improve people’s lives.

On the other hand, we do still have a great proportion of people working in large cities, or even small ones. These workers sometimes struggle with the lame transportation system inside those cities. A large number of those do not have a car and cannot afford to buy one. In fact, in some instances, transportation from a point to another takes around 20 minutes by car, but strikingly, it takes 1 hour or more using public transportation. This is why people call for a change. If the government was to introduce different forms of transportation and increase their speed and numbers, people would not have to suffer from such problems. This is, in my opinion, a domain that needs immediate intervention, and this should be discussed by the government officials to be able to finally fund a project implementing these changes. Thus, taking into consideration how vital internal transportation is, it still tends to be as crucial as railway connecting cities.

In conclusion, although it seems challenging to countries to spend large sums of money to develop every thing at once, I believe that internal and between cities transportation are one of the projects that should be equally prioritized to satisfy the needs of workers and increase productivity.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission dinosaur2007!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
Transportation HAS ALWAYS BEEN an integral part of our lives, whether within cities or GOING between them. It is often argued by some people that we are falling behind in terms of connecting cities ... INTERCITY CONNECTIONS and that we need to introduce fastER (most places already have fast trains) trains AND new railway lines, while others believe that internal (what does this mean? you mean within a city?) transportation should receive most of the funding FOR improveMENT. Personally, both opinions seem equally reasonable to me.

B1:
Regarding the opinion in favour of improving intercity connections, people believe that a lot of countries have ALREADY developed THIS METHOD significantly, and very fast trains can NOW be seen in them as the need for transportation from a city to another has risen. I WOULD ALSO SAY that some people live in small cities where job opportunities are not as abundant as THEY ARE IN metropolitan ones. As a result, SOME OF these people MIGHT have to accept job offers in more distant cities, which would require a daily commute. If it had not been for those incredibly fast trains, people would have HAD TO EITHER SPEND hours (delete 'to') commutING to work daily or stayED unemployed for longer periods of time. People who have experienced those fast trains have reported their ability .. BEING ABLE to commute from ONE city to another in roughly half an hour, which to MY MIND sounds ALMOST revolutionary. These advantages can be a strong drive for other countries to allocate a portion of their budgets to copy their models and in turn improve PEOPLES' lives.

B2;
On the other hand, we do still have a great proportion of people working in large cities, or even smallER ones. These workers sometimes struggle with the lame transportation systemS inside those cities. A large number of those PEOPLE do not have a car and cannot EVEN afford to buy one. In fact, in some instances, transportation from a point to another ONE POINT TO ANOTHER takes around 20 minutes by car, but strikingly, it takes 1 hour or more ON THE public transportation. This is why people call ARE CALLING / HAVE CALLED for a change. If the government was to introduce different forms of transportation and increase their speed and numbers, people would not have to suffer from such problems. This is, in my opinion, a domain that needs immediate intervention, and (delete 'this') should be discussed by (delete 'the') government officials to be able to finally fund a project implementing these changes .. SO THAT FUNDING CAN FINALLY BE ALLOCATED TO PROJECTS THAT IMPLEMENT THESE CHANGES. Thus, taking into consideration how vital INTER-CITY transportation is, it still tends to be as IT CANNOT BE SAID THAT IT IS ANY LESS crucial THAN railwayS connecting cities.

CONC:
In conclusion, although it seems challenging FOR countries to spend large sums of money to develop every thing at once, I believe that (delete 'internal and between cities') transportation BETWEEN AND WITHIN CITIES IS BOTH projects that should be equally prioritized to satisfy the needs of workers and increase productivity.

Advice:
1. Firstly, you understood the nuances of the question perfectly. I have seen this question a few times before, and many people misunderstand it, so well done.
2. Don't forget to make liberal use of adverbs like 'now' and 'already'.
3. Always qualify your numbers with words like "some" or "many"
4. Be careful with expressing possibility with modals. Is it certain (WOULD) or a possibility (MIGHT)? You need to think very carefully about this.
5. people's or peoples'?
6. I think the essay is too long, but....

TA: 8.5
G: 7.0 (mostly very good, but some basic errors including plurals/singular)
V: 8.5
CC: 8.5