Writing Task 2 - Please evaluate my essay and give your valuable feedback!

[afaque99]

Nowadays, artificial intelligence is being used to drive cars.
Why is this happening?
Is it a positive or negative development?


Response:

In recent years, artificial intelligence (AI) is replacing human-drivers to drive automobiles. This is occurring due to the fact that AI makes driving automatic and effortless, and it should be seen as a positive change since it reduces the chances of road accidents.

Self-driven cars are automated and stress-free to travel in. This is because an automobile controlled by AI, does not need a human-driver, and therefore a person, without even knowing driving, could use the vehicle anytime. These driverless cars have a self-starting system and automatic control, as well as they, use a variety of sensors to identify the oncoming traffic and threats with better accuracy than a human-driver. For example, the new Tesla autopilot car could be operated through a smartphone and it uses different sensors to control things such as speed and the safe distance between vehicles.

This kind of advancement in technology is definitely positive because it would decrease the risks involved during a car-travel. This is mainly owing to the fact that AI controls vehicles better than human beings, and a driver who is tired, unwell, or under the influence of alcohol, is no more a threat to the safety of the vehicle and its passengers since AI is driving the car instead of a human driver. For instance, a Ferrari has developed a new driverless car and after testing it on public roads it has shown 99.5% safety against road accidents. Moreover, the car has also been proved safe when the passengers are asleep, playing or even consuming alcohol during a road-travel.

In conclusion, cars are being driven by artificial intelligence due to the fact that technology is aimed to make driving a fully automated and effortless task and this development should be welcomed because it would not only ensure the safety of road travel but also enable people to sleep or enjoy their travel time.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission affaque99!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
In recent years, artificial intelligence (AI) is replacing .. HAS BEGUN TO REPLACE human drivers (delete 'to drive') IN automobiles. This is occurring due to the fact that .. HAPPENING BECAUSE AI makes driving automatic and effortless, and it should be seen as a positive DEVELOPMENT since it reduces the chances of road accidents.

B1:
FIRSTLY, IT IS A FACT THAT self-driven cars make driving MUCH easIER and MORE stress-free. This is because an automobile controlled by AI (delete commma) does not need a human driver, and therefore ANY person, without even knowing driving .. EVEN ONE WHO DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE, could use the vehicle anytime. These driverless cars have a self-starting system and FULLY-automatic controlS, as well as they, .. AND ALSO use a variety of sensors to identify (delete 'the' to change to the general meaning) oncoming traffic and OTHER threats ((adj. + N) + (adj. + N) for balance) with better accuracy than a human driver. For example, the new Tesla autopilot car CAN be operated (delete 'through a') BY smartphone and it uses .. CAN ALSO USE different sensors to control things such as speed and the safe distance between vehicles.

B2:
FURTHERMORE, this kind of advancement in technology is definitely positive because it would decrease the risks involved during a car-travel. This is mainly owing to the fact that AI controls vehicles better than human beings DO, and a driver who is tired, unwell, or under the influence of alcohol, is no LONGER a threat to the safety of the vehicle and its passengers since AI is driving the car instead of a human driver. For instance, a Ferrari has developed a new driverless car and after testing it on public roads it has BEEN shown TO BE 99.5% SAFE against road accidents. Moreover, the car has also been PROVEN safe when the passengers are asleep, playing or even consuming alcohol during (delete 'a') road-travel.

CONC:
In conclusion, cars are being driven by artificial intelligence due to the fact that technology is aimed AT make driving a fully automated and effortless task, (add comma) and this development should be welcomed because it WILL (we are not really talking about a solution here, but a change that is already taking place) not only ensure the safety of road travel but also enable people to sleep or enjoy their travel time.

Really great first essay on the forum!
Advice:
1. Add comparatives where possible as in S1 of B1.
2. Delete the hyphen between human and driver. Compound nouns are usually decided by consensus, and this one is still at the (adj. + N) stage.
3. In the last sentence of the B1, use COULD for a hypothetical, and CAN for a possibility.
4. Don't forget linking language at the beginning of each body paragraph.
5. "No more .... than .... " or "No longer a .... ."

Band-score:
TA: 8.5
G: 7.5 (this was hard to mark because you used some really great grammar but also some mistakes)
V: 8.0
CC: 7.0 (Add linking at beginning of bodies, and learn how to use "as well as" properly)

[afaque99]

Dear Anthony Schultz,

Thank you so much for evaluating my essay. Your detailed feedback is really helpful, and I would surely work on the things that you pointed out.

Thanks once again!

Afaque Siddique