Hello! Posting my Task 2 writing here. Thank you in advance for your comments!
Because of the advancement of technology nowadays, everywhere you go, you will be bombarded with advertisements whether through billboards, posters, or radio jingles. Even as you are scrolling through your social media account, you will see video advertisements from companies hoping you will spend your earnings with them. With this great power held by advertisements, it is often wondered whether the high sales of goods are because of the aggressive marketing done by corporations or because of the needs of the people. I partially agree that the buying patterns of people can be affected by what they see often and what they see as attractive, however, this principle is less likely to apply to people with low financial resources to begin with.
First, people buy what they see often. If a person sees a particular brand of liquid detergent all the time in advertisements, that person can recall that when he is in a grocery store debating which one to buy. When forced to choose between a brand he sees all the time versus a brand he’s never heard of, that person is more likely to choose the brand he’s already familiar with. This is why corporations spend billions of money so that their advertisements can be repetitive and stick to people’s minds. Familiarity is one of the factors consumers consider in shopping.
Second, people buy what they see as attractive. If a Taylor Swift fan sees her favorite musician advertising a certain brand of cereals, that fan is more likely to buy that cereal whether or not she actually needs it. Fans of certain artists do this in support of their idol and because unwittingly, the presence of that artist with that brand of cereal made it more attractive to consumers. No one wants to buy a product that looks cheap and worn-out. People always buy things that seem new, luxurious, and elegant.
Ultimately however, people will buy what they can. No matter how often a person sees a particular product or how attractive it looks like, if that person doesn’t have the means to buy it, he will not patronize it. For instance, marketing efforts towards the poor will most likely fail because they won’t be able to buy the advertised products. They will be more focused on feeding their families from day-to-day and choosing the cheapest options available.
In summary, those who have the means will buy whatever they see frequently and what they see as attractive. Those who don’t disregard all of these and choose instead, the cheapest option possible.
Task 2: High sales and advertisements
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Re: Task 2: High sales and advertisements
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Thanks for your submission chibi!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
Because of the advancement of technology nowadays, everywhere A PERSON goES, THEY will be bombarded with advertisements (whether THEY BE billboards, posters, or radio jingles). Even as you are scrolling through your social media account, you will see video advertisements from companies hoping you will spend your earnings with them. (DELETE 'With this great power held by advertisements, it is often wondered whether the high sales of goods are because of the aggressive marketing done by corporations or because of the needs of the people'). I partially agree WITH THOSE WHO SAY that the buying patterns of people can be affected by what they see often and what they see as attractive. (NEW SENTENCE) However, this principle is less likely to apply to people WHO HAVE low financial resources to begin with. (This is an EXTREMELY LONG intro).
B1:
First, ONE REASON WHY ADVERTISEMENTS ARE POWERFUL IS THAT people buy what they see often. FOR EXAMPLE, if a person sees a particular brand of liquid detergent all the time in advertisements, that person can recall that when he is in a grocery store debating which one to buy. When forced to choose between a brand he sees all the time versus a brand THAT HE HAS never heard of, that person is more likely to choose the brand he IS already familiar with, AND this is why corporations spend billions of DOLLARS so that their advertisements can be repetitive and stick IN PEOPLES' minds. AFTER ALL, familiarity is one of the factors consumers consider in shopping.
B2:
Second, people buy what they see as attractive. If a Taylor Swift fan sees her favorite musician advertising a certain brand of cereals, that fan is more likely to buy that cereal whether or not she actually needs it. Fans of certain artists do this in support of their idol and because unwittingly, the presence of that artist with that brand of cereal made it more attractive to consumers. No one wants to buy a product that looks cheap and worn-out. People always buy things that seem new, luxurious, and elegant.
B3:
Ultimately however, people will buy what they can. No matter how often a person sees a particular product or how attractive it looks (delete 'like'), if that person doesn’t have the means to buy it, he will not CONSIDER BUYING it. For instance, marketing efforts towards the poor will most likely fail because they won’t be able to buy the advertised products AS they will be more focused on feeding their families (delete 'from') day-to-day and choosing the cheapest options available.
CONC:
(delete 'In summary') TO CONCLUDE/IN CONCLUSION, those who have the means will buy whatever they see MOST frequently and whatEVER they see as attractive. Those who don’t disregard all of these and choose instead, the cheapest option possible. .. CANNOT DO SO WILL INSTEAD CHOOSE THE CHEAPEST OPTION.
This is a fine essay with a good structure and is well thought-out. I would just say, try to connect some of your sentences with little conjunctions like 'and' or 'but' as the flow will definitely improve.
Advice:
1. Try to write longer, fuller topic sentences. In the B1 topic sentence, I added a connecting phrase at the beginning. This is how to do it.....
2. Don't use contractions. Look at sentence 3 in your B1.
3. 'billions of dollars', NOT 'billions of money' / peoples' NOT people's (in your essay)
4. We usually patronise a person or a place, not a product.
5. Make sure you use the correct linking phrase to begin the conclusion. The one you used is for the task 1.
Band-score:
TA: 8.0
G: 8.0
V: 8.0
CC: 6.5 (Please work on this area a little more)
Homepage: https://www.this-course.com
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbVrKy ... LmQirBfSTw
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thiscoursesocial/
Thanks for your submission chibi!! Please see my rewrite below ...
INTRO:
Because of the advancement of technology nowadays, everywhere A PERSON goES, THEY will be bombarded with advertisements (whether THEY BE billboards, posters, or radio jingles). Even as you are scrolling through your social media account, you will see video advertisements from companies hoping you will spend your earnings with them. (DELETE 'With this great power held by advertisements, it is often wondered whether the high sales of goods are because of the aggressive marketing done by corporations or because of the needs of the people'). I partially agree WITH THOSE WHO SAY that the buying patterns of people can be affected by what they see often and what they see as attractive. (NEW SENTENCE) However, this principle is less likely to apply to people WHO HAVE low financial resources to begin with. (This is an EXTREMELY LONG intro).
B1:
First, ONE REASON WHY ADVERTISEMENTS ARE POWERFUL IS THAT people buy what they see often. FOR EXAMPLE, if a person sees a particular brand of liquid detergent all the time in advertisements, that person can recall that when he is in a grocery store debating which one to buy. When forced to choose between a brand he sees all the time versus a brand THAT HE HAS never heard of, that person is more likely to choose the brand he IS already familiar with, AND this is why corporations spend billions of DOLLARS so that their advertisements can be repetitive and stick IN PEOPLES' minds. AFTER ALL, familiarity is one of the factors consumers consider in shopping.
B2:
Second, people buy what they see as attractive. If a Taylor Swift fan sees her favorite musician advertising a certain brand of cereals, that fan is more likely to buy that cereal whether or not she actually needs it. Fans of certain artists do this in support of their idol and because unwittingly, the presence of that artist with that brand of cereal made it more attractive to consumers. No one wants to buy a product that looks cheap and worn-out. People always buy things that seem new, luxurious, and elegant.
B3:
Ultimately however, people will buy what they can. No matter how often a person sees a particular product or how attractive it looks (delete 'like'), if that person doesn’t have the means to buy it, he will not CONSIDER BUYING it. For instance, marketing efforts towards the poor will most likely fail because they won’t be able to buy the advertised products AS they will be more focused on feeding their families (delete 'from') day-to-day and choosing the cheapest options available.
CONC:
(delete 'In summary') TO CONCLUDE/IN CONCLUSION, those who have the means will buy whatever they see MOST frequently and whatEVER they see as attractive. Those who don’t disregard all of these and choose instead, the cheapest option possible. .. CANNOT DO SO WILL INSTEAD CHOOSE THE CHEAPEST OPTION.
This is a fine essay with a good structure and is well thought-out. I would just say, try to connect some of your sentences with little conjunctions like 'and' or 'but' as the flow will definitely improve.
Advice:
1. Try to write longer, fuller topic sentences. In the B1 topic sentence, I added a connecting phrase at the beginning. This is how to do it.....
2. Don't use contractions. Look at sentence 3 in your B1.
3. 'billions of dollars', NOT 'billions of money' / peoples' NOT people's (in your essay)
4. We usually patronise a person or a place, not a product.
5. Make sure you use the correct linking phrase to begin the conclusion. The one you used is for the task 1.
Band-score:
TA: 8.0
G: 8.0
V: 8.0
CC: 6.5 (Please work on this area a little more)