Task 2 : Please evaluate My article

[synaptium]

Students should choose a university major that prepares them for high-paying careers
To what extent do you agree with this statement? You should write at least 250 words.

University education is the bedrock of a students future endeavours and as such should not be treated with levity. Because of this, many students are choosing university majors that will put them in high paying jobs in the real world. In my opinion, this should be discouraged as the focus will be on profit rather than passion.

Students focusing on majors in school that will prepare them for high paying jobs might be detrimental in the long run. This should be discouraged because there will be a flood of graduates to professions with a high salary, thereby leaving other professions in society without the needed man power to fill roles. A good example would be the teaching profession. Teaching as it were is not as lucrative as banking or medicine. If students focus on courses that have high paying jobs, such a profession would lack the neccessary man power and this will eventually be detrimental to society at large. Another problem that this could generate is lack of fulfillment.

The human mind thrives on being fulfilled. If students focus only on majors that prepare them for high paying jobs in real life, many graduates would be unfulfilled and lack a sense of purpose and meaning because they are most likely working in a profesision they have no passion for. This might lead to issues in other parts of their life such as divorce, depression or even suicide. The pursuit of happiness should be the bedrock of educational and career choices. Money or profit should be secondary.


Students choosing majors that tend towards high paying jobs should be discouraged as the long term effects can be devastating to both the individual and society at large.ln conclusion, students should focus on passion and fulfilment and not just monetary gain or reward. This is key to living a life of peace and happiness.

[goldcoastielts]

Visit ThisCourse for IELTS and PTE!!

Homepage: https://www.this-course.com

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbVrKy ... LmQirBfSTw

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thiscoursesocial/


Thanks for your submission synaptium!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
University education is the bedrock of a student's (add apostrophe) future endeavours and as such should not be treated LIGHTLY. CONSEQUENTLY, many students are choosing university majors that will put them in high paying jobs in the real world. In my opinion, this should be discouraged as the focus will be on profit rather than passion.

B1:
(Delete: "Students focusing on majors in school that will prepare them for high paying jobs might be detrimental in the long run") FIRSTLY, IN THE LONG RUN IT MIGHT BE DETRIMENTAL FOR STUDENTS TO FOCUS ONLY N MAJORS THAT WILL PREPARE THEM FOR HIGH-PAYING JOBS. This should be discouraged because there will be a flood of graduates to professions with (delete 'a') high salarIES, thereby leaving other professions in society without the needed manpower (one word) to fill roles. A good example OF THIS would be the teaching profession, (delete '. Teaching as it were') WHICH is not as lucrative as banking or medicine. If students focus on courses that have high paying jobs, (delete 'such a') professionS SUCH AS TEACHING would lack the neccessary (one 'c') manpower (one word) and this will eventually be detrimental to society at large.

B2:
Another problem that this FOCUS ON HIGH-PAING JOBS could generate is A lack of fulfilment AS the human mind thrives on being fulfilled. If students focus only on majors that prepare them for high paying jobs in real life, many graduates would be unfulfilled and lack a sense of purpose and meaning because they are most likely working in a PROFESSION they have no passion for. This might lead to issues in other parts of their life such as divorce, depression or even suicide. The pursuit of happiness should be the bedrock of educational and career choices; money or profit should be ALWAYS BE secondary TO A FULFILLING LIFE.

CONC:
TO CONCLUDE, students (delete 'choosing majors that tend towards high paying jobs') should be discouraged FROM CHOOSING MAJORS THAT ARE FOCUSED ON HIGHER PAYING JOBS as the long term effects can be devastating to both the individual and society at large. (delete 'ln conclusion,') Students should focus on passion and fulfilment and not just monetary gain or reward AS THIS IS THE key to living a life of peace and happiness.



There were some good things about this essay, but also a few key areas that need a bit of work. Please try to writer another and work on fixing your main trouble areas outlined below!

Advice:
1. Please study the first sentence of your B1 very carefully. The problem with this sentence was that you tried to use an extremely long convoluted subject with 2 added clauses (focusing ... / that ...), which made it difficult to understand. I rewrote it to be more user-friendly for the reader.
2. Where possible, link sentences together with relative clauses as I did in sentences 3 and 4 of the B1.
3. Try not to repeat information too much. In b1 you repeat the information about 'manpower'. It might be better to add some new information here.
4. Personally, I would move your last sentence from B1 to the sentence initial position in B2. This would definitely improve the flow and CC score.
5. I would definitely move the final linking phrase to the BEGINNING of the conclusion.

Band-score:
TA: 6.5
G: 6.0
V: 6.5
CC: 5.5

[synaptium]

Thanks a lot

[goldcoastielts]

No worries. Good luck..