should I put a little "color" into my essay?
Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2014 2:17 am
Recently, I wrote an essay and I uploaded to a forum. Surprisingly, I got a very positive feedback and many other Ielts candidates like it. Below is the essay.
Computers and modems have made it possible for office workers to do much of their work from home instead of working in offices every day. Working from home should be encouraged as it is good for workers and employers.
Agree or disagree?
Teleworking or telecommute has been increasingly adopted by many enterprises and companies, as the Internet and computers allowed people to work from home. However, from my point of view, it should not be encouraged.
Admittedly, teleworking has its advantages. One of them is that working at home can save money and time for both employees and employers. Without having to travel between home and office every day, much time can be saved, which means more time can be used on employees' work commitments. In addition, office expenditure can also be reduced when employees do their jobs at home. Another benefit of telecommute is that, in comparison with an office, home is a relatively quieter and more comfortable place to work at. Sitting in an armchair at home with a cup of coffee on the desk, people might be less distracted and be able to concentrate on their works.
However, it seems to me that teleworking has more problems than its benefits. Firstly, working at home means employees are under less supervision and management. They will probably engage their time to personal activities like, for example, chatting with their friends and playing games. Consequently, the productivity of their works cannot be guaranteed. Secondly, office time sometimes cannot be simply replaced by working at home. Face-to-face conversation and office meeting are important for a team or company, because employees can learn from and be inspired by others in these office activities. Obviously, an online conference cannot be as effective as an office meeting.
To conclude, although working at home sounds like a fantastic idea, I think it should not be encouraged because of its potential threat to companies' productivity and management.
See the last sentence of the second paragraph:
Sitting in an armchair at home with a cup of coffee on the desk, people might be less distracted and be able to concentrate on their works.
I used a little imagination to demonstrate my idea. Also, even without any link words, the cohesion is not harmed at all and I can feel the fluidity of the essay.
the same thing happens on the sentence :"Obviously, an online conference cannot be as effective as an office meeting."
Someone suggests to change it to :
"It is believed that an online conference cannot be as effective as an office meeting."
However, I still like "obviously" ,I feel that it makes the essay more vivid.
What do you think?
Computers and modems have made it possible for office workers to do much of their work from home instead of working in offices every day. Working from home should be encouraged as it is good for workers and employers.
Agree or disagree?
Teleworking or telecommute has been increasingly adopted by many enterprises and companies, as the Internet and computers allowed people to work from home. However, from my point of view, it should not be encouraged.
Admittedly, teleworking has its advantages. One of them is that working at home can save money and time for both employees and employers. Without having to travel between home and office every day, much time can be saved, which means more time can be used on employees' work commitments. In addition, office expenditure can also be reduced when employees do their jobs at home. Another benefit of telecommute is that, in comparison with an office, home is a relatively quieter and more comfortable place to work at. Sitting in an armchair at home with a cup of coffee on the desk, people might be less distracted and be able to concentrate on their works.
However, it seems to me that teleworking has more problems than its benefits. Firstly, working at home means employees are under less supervision and management. They will probably engage their time to personal activities like, for example, chatting with their friends and playing games. Consequently, the productivity of their works cannot be guaranteed. Secondly, office time sometimes cannot be simply replaced by working at home. Face-to-face conversation and office meeting are important for a team or company, because employees can learn from and be inspired by others in these office activities. Obviously, an online conference cannot be as effective as an office meeting.
To conclude, although working at home sounds like a fantastic idea, I think it should not be encouraged because of its potential threat to companies' productivity and management.
See the last sentence of the second paragraph:
Sitting in an armchair at home with a cup of coffee on the desk, people might be less distracted and be able to concentrate on their works.
I used a little imagination to demonstrate my idea. Also, even without any link words, the cohesion is not harmed at all and I can feel the fluidity of the essay.
the same thing happens on the sentence :"Obviously, an online conference cannot be as effective as an office meeting."
Someone suggests to change it to :
"It is believed that an online conference cannot be as effective as an office meeting."
However, I still like "obviously" ,I feel that it makes the essay more vivid.
What do you think?
.