General Training Writing Task 2 about Curfew

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sosolopi
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2021 4:12 pm

General Training Writing Task 2 about Curfew

Post by sosolopi »

Thank you for your time . I appreciate it much if you reviewed my writing on such topic
In some areas of the US , a 'curfew' is imposed, in which teenagers are not allowed to be out of doors after a particular time at night unless they are accompanied by an adult.

What is your opinion about this ?


Many of the State's streets might be dangerous to walk through during late times of the night. Several illegal activities arose during that period of the night. Hence, it is preferable to keep young people and teenagers away from such areas. For that reason, the government took a sensible decision to force a curfew during the night on those below age unless they are accompanied by an adult. These actions have taken place to assure those young individual's safety and well-being both physically and psychologically.

Firstly, the rape-accidents count has dramatically risen recently. Whereas, most of those accidents are reported during the late-night. In that sense, several streets in the United States were considered severely threatening. For instance, if a teenage girl was subjected to any harassment or even a rape incident, it would change that girl's life drastically. Many research studies showed that 95% of young girls who experienced such hardship suffer from several severe psychological damages.

Secondly, most of the parents are concerned about their teenage-children staying late outdoors. Whereas, other illegal practices are actively available during the night, such as theft under weapon-threat, kidnapping for trading organs purposes, and many others. Consequently, one could be exposed to a terrifying experience that can go to the extend of costing one's life.

In conclusion, young people should firmly be urged to stay at home during the night, to avoid facing any unfortunate experience. I strongly agree with the curfew subjected to people at a young age concerning their safety.


Thank you in advance :)
goldcoastielts
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Re: General Training Writing Task 2 about Curfew

Post by goldcoastielts »

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Thanks for your submission sosolopi!! Please see my rewrite below ... :ugeek:

Many of the STREETS IN THE STATES might be dangerous to walk through LATE AT NIGHT, AS MANY illegal activities TAKE PLACE during that period of the night. Hence, it is preferable to keep young people and teenagers away from such areas. For that reason, the government HAS TAKEN a sensible decision to ENforce a curfew during the night on those below A CERTAIN age unless they are accompanied by an adult. These MEASURES have BEEN INTRODUCED to ENSURE (CHANGE "those young individual's safety and well-being both physically and psychologically") THE PHYSICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL SAFETY OF THESE YOUNG PEOPLE.

Firstly, the NUMBER OF RAPES has dramatically risen IN RECENT YEAR, AND IN FACT, most of those INCIDENTS are reported during the late-night. In that sense, several streets in the United States were considered ESPECIALLY DANGEROUS. For instance, if a teenage girl was subjected to any harassment or even RAPED, it would change that girl's life drastically. Many research studies showed that 95% of young girls who experienced such hardship suffer from (delete "several") severe psychological DAMAGE THROUGHOUT THEIR LIVES.

Secondly, most (unnecessary "of the") parents are concerned about their teenage-children staying OUT LATE AT NIGHT BECAUSE MANY illegal practices TAKE PLACE during the night, such as ARMED ASSAULT, kidnapping for trading organs purposes, and many others. Consequently, one could be exposed to a terrifying experience that can go to the EXTENT of costing one's life.

In conclusion, young people should firmly be urged to stay at home during the night, to avoid HAVING TO DEAL WITH any unfortunate experienceS. I strongly agree with the curfew subjected to people at a young age concerning their safety.



:ugeek: NOT BAD! Please focus hard on improving the small things, especially grammar and vocabulary. :ugeek:

Advice:
1. A lot of the times you use words that are not the idea choice in the situation. For example, words like "force" and "taken place" are not the best choices in the introduction. Please try to use the number 1 choice vocabulary item in each case.
2. "Damage" is a non-count noun. be careful!
3. "Most parents" or "Most of the parents in the US..."
4. Instead of "firstly" and "secondly", try to use longer linking phrases at the beginning of the body paragraphs.... i.e. "One reason why a curfew is a good idea is that the number of rapes has risen...."
5. You also used the connector "whereas" incorrectly on two occasions. Please study the correct way to use it!
6. Also try to write a shorter introduction, and longer bodies..

Band-score:
TA: 5.5
G: 5.0
V: 5.0
CC: 5.0
Anthony Schultz :arrow: :arrow:
Full-time IELTS teacher | Gold Coast, Australia
www.goldcoastielts.com
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