Please evaluate In many countries, Paying for things using mobile phones(cellphones) apps is becoming increasingly commo

[shabi1]

The advent of technology has indeed caused changes in various sectors; this includes buying and selling. Around the world, payment for goods and services through gadgets have increased. This essay will discuss the merits of this norm, which is the comfort and speed it provides, and also the sole drawback of it, namely breach of security.
Ease of payment and swiftness of transactions are primary reasons why electronic payment have become popular. For example, the train station at Abuja allows travelers to buy tickets online; on arrival the passenger only have to swipe their phone through a QR Code scanner that validates the order for the seat that was placed. Moreover, tourists want to go for a trip and do not have access to physical cash, this can be an unpleasing, but with a mobile phone this is easily handled.
A demerit to this form of buying is the security breach that sometimes occur. Hence, users become victims of cyber-crimes. Futhermore, Research from Financial Times reports that 10 in every 15 persons that carry out online transactions have at one time or the one being hacked leading to theft of their funds. Although, steps are being taken by online security vendors, such as Kaspesrky, to safeguard users, by attaching untraceable IP’s to mobile phones that connect to the internet and Two-factor authentication on very transaction that is to occur between the user’s bank and any online store.
In conclusion, the electronic way of purchasing goods and services add more value to life, because buyers can make purchases from the comfort of their homes, making it more advantageous over the security breach that occurs occasionally.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission shabi1!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
The advent of technology has indeed caused changes in various sectors, AND (this feels more natural than a semi-colon here - often this is a stylistic choice you get a feel for as your writing becomes more mature) this includes buying and selling. Around the world, paymentS for goods and services through BY gadgets SUCH AS CELL PHONES HAS increased. This essay will discuss the merits of this NEW norm, which ARE the comfort and speed THEY provide, and also the sole drawback of it, namely BREACHES of security.

B1:
ON THE ONE HAND, ease of payment and swiftness of transactions are primary reasons why electronic paymentS have become popular. For example, the train station at Abuja allows travelers to buy tickets online; on arrival the PASSENGERS only have to swipe their phone through a QR Code scanner that validates the order for the seat that was placed. Moreover, WHEN tourists want to go for a trip and do not have access to physical cash, this can be an DISpleasing, but with a mobile phone this PROBLEM CAN BE easily OVERCOME.

B2:
ON THE OTHER HAND, a demerit to this form of buying is the security BREACHES that sometimes occur WHICH CAN LEAD TO users become victims of cyber-crimes. FuRthermore, research (small 't') from THE Financial Times reports that 10 in every 15 persons that carry out online transactions have at one time or ANOTHER BEEN hacked leading to theft of their funds. Although (delete comma) steps are being taken by online security vendors, such as Kaspesrky, to safeguard users (delete comma) by attaching untraceable IP’s to mobile phones that connect to the internet and Two-factor authentication on EVERY transaction that is to occur between the user’s bank and any online store.

CONC:
In conclusion, the electronic way of purchasing goods and services ADDS more value to life, because buyers can make purchases from the comfort of their homes, making it more advantageous IN SPITE OF the security breach that occurs occasionally.



A very high level essay. The main problem was the simple grammatical errors that crept in with number and subject-verb agreement.

Advice:
1. There are quite a lot of simple errors such as number problems (is/are, have/has) which do not match the usually high grammar standard throughout. Be careful!
2. There were some problems with punctuation, especially commas and semi-colons, so please study these errors carefully. Punctuation does contribute to your IELTS score.
3. In the conclusion you used 'over' in place of 'in spite of', which made this sentence meaningless. Be careful as one small mistake like this can detract heavily from the score.
4. Don't forget paragraphing! It kind of looks like one big paragraph.

Band-score:
TA: 7.5
G: 6.0
V: 7.5
CC: 6.5 (use linking language at the beginning of the B1 and B2)

[shabi1]

Thank you so so much!

[goldcoastielts]

No problem.
My pleasure.