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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In the past few years, we are inundated with television commercials and unfortunately, a great number of those commercials have been targeted young children. Personally, I am strongly against this approach and believe that it should be stopped. In this essay, I will support my opinion with reasons and examples.

Firstly, advertisement has a direct effect on people’s choice of buys but the problem with young children is more severe because their logical thinking has not developed completely. As a result, advertisements might have a bad effect on their developing mind. For example, when my cousin was young he used to spend most of his time watching television and there was an advertisement for a tobacco brand. Of course, his parents didn’t buy him any cigars at that age but from that day he got attracted to tobacco and now he is a smoker. What I mean is that children at that age do crave for information and everything they listen to and watch has a deep effect on their mind and future interests.

Secondly, commercials can cause negative feelings among children. For example, when I was a child there were lots of commercials for toys that I didn’t have and I felt bad. Moreover, sometimes I saw that my friends have bought them and they felt superior to others. Television advertisements might impel children to compare each other and even stop playing with ones who do not possess the advertised toys. Children should learn to love and respect each other and do not judge their friends based on the toys they possess but advertisement has exactly the opposite effect on them.

To sum up, advertisement has a deep effect on children’s personality and mindset that might show its consequences when they got older also, it can develop ill feelings among children. In my opinion, it will not become forbidden in the near future but parents can control it themselves and prevent their children from watching advertisements.

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Thanks for your submission habibka!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
n the past few years, we HAVE BEEN inundated with television commercials and unfortunately, a great number of those commercials have been targeted TOWARDS/HAVE BEEN TARGETTING young children. Personally, I am strongly against this approach and believe that it should be stopped. In this essay, I will support my opinion with reasons and examples.

B1:
Firstly, advertisementS HAVE a direct effect on WHAT PEOPLE BUY but the problem with young children is more severe because their logical thinking has not developed completely. As a result, advertisements might have a bad effect on their developing mindS. For example, when my cousin was young he used to spend most of his time watching television and HE ALWAYS SAW an advertisement for a tobacco brand. Of course, his parents didn’t buy him any CIGARETTES at that age but from that day he got attracted to tobacco and now he is a smoker. What I mean is that children at that age do crave for information and everything they listen to and watch has a deep effect on their mind and future interests.

B2:
Secondly, commercials can cause negative feelings among children. For example, when I was a child there were lots of commercials for toys that I DID NOT have and I felt bad. Moreover, sometimes I saw that my friends HAD bought them and they felt superior to others. AS SUCH, television advertisements might impel children to compare THEMSELVES TO other and even stop playing with OTHER CHILDREN who do not possess the advertised toys. Children should learn to love and respect each other and (delete 'do') not judge their friends based on the toys they possess but advertisementS HAVE exactly the opposite effect on them.

CONC:
TO CONCLUDE/IN CONCLUSION, advertisementS HAVE a deep effect on children’s personalitIES and mindsetS that might show its consequences when they GET older, AND IT CAN also can develop ill feelings among children. In my opinion, it will not become forbidden in the near future but parents can control it themselves and prevent their children from watching advertisements.



This is quite good but try to watch those little errors like "advertistement has" and "In summary.."

Advice:
1. Make sure you use the right tense as in your intro sentence 1.
2. Try not to write sentences that are too long just for the sake of writing a long sentence (the last sentence of your B1 and B2 both fall into this category).
3. Don't use contractions like "did not".
4. Try to reserve "To sum up" for the academic task one, not the task 2.
5. "advertisements have" not "advertisement has"

Band-score:
TA: 6.5
G: 6.5
V: 7.0
CC: 6.5

Hello Mr. Schultz
Thank you so much for your time and invaluable feedback.

I didn't understand your second advice that tells:
"2. Try not to write sentences that are too long just for the sake of writing a long sentence (the last sentence of your B1 and B2 both fall into this category)."

Does that mean I should break the last sentences of B1 and B2 into smaller ones? unfortunately, I couldn't figure out how can I break those sentences into smaller ones, would you please help me with that?

What I mean is that children at that age do crave for information and everything they listen to and watch has a deep effect on their mind and future interests.

Children should learn to love and respect each other and not judge their friends based on the toys they possess but advertisementS HAVE exactly the opposite effect on them.

Hi habibka,

Basically both these sentences have a lot of verbs inside them which makes it a bit hard to follow the flow of each sentence. For example you could rewrite the first one in the following way:

ORIGINAL: Children should learn to love and respect each other and not judge their friends based on the toys they possess but advertisementS HAVE exactly the opposite effect on them.

REWRITE: Rather than judging friends based on the types of toys they have, children should learn to love and respect each other's personalities. Advertisements, unfortunately, have exactly the opposite effect on them.

The problem was the second part of the sentence about advertisements did not really fit the sentence, so I broke it off and made a new sentence with a contrast linker "unfortunately".

Thanks so much - that was really helpful!