Task2

[Ilia]

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged.Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults

It is often argued that, children who are competitive have a lot of advantages in future rather than who have learnt to cooperate whith others, whilst others disagree and believe that children should learn how to work with others rather than compete. This essay believes that, children should be competitor, moreover they will be a great leader in their individual's life too. In this essay we discuss both views, followed by a detailed conclusion

It is clear that compete is very significant in educations. Simply put, when we put children in competition, they would try to learn in more efficient way. In addition, their exams band scores will rise sharply. It is therefore agreed that if we encourage them for a race, they would practice as hard as they could to score the game also it would make a greater leaders from them in future. For example many researchers relating to the most famous leaders in the world has highlighted those who have learnt how to win a game on their own in childhood, consistently they have become a remarkable ones

However, many disagree and believe that competition may diminish the efficiency of their learning abilities. In other words, these people maintain that, teaching how to cooperate to children has more advantages rather than competition. Despite this, when children do not challenge themselves in a competition, they would be passive students. In addition they just knkw how to work in a team, not individually. For one thing a wealth of researches have shown that, those who have just learnt how to work in a group not solo, have less confidence and selfsteem in their adult time.

In conclusion, while the importance of competition for children is evident, some still feel that cooperating is more important than compete however competition intensely helps childrens growth. I strongly believe that competition has varies assets for children

Thank you for correction brothers and sisters

[locky72]

Hi Ilia,
I have had a quick look at the essay, but without seeing the question, it is hard to know/ assess if you answered the question correctly. I will just comment on language, grammar, and cohesion.

Overall, the essay is well written and the meaning/ ideas are clear. There are a few ideas expressed incorrectly. For example:

'This essay believes that....' should be 'This essay will argue that...'
'children should be competitor' should be 'children should compete...' or 'children should be encouraged to compete...'
'It is clear that compete is very significant in educations' should be 'It is clear that competition is important in a child's uppringing...'
'they would practice as hard as they could to score the game also' should be 'they would practice very hard so they could win...'
'teaching how to cooperate to children' should be 'teaching children how to cooperate...'
'I strongly believe that competition has varies assets for children' should be''I strongly believe that competition has a range of benefits for children...'

Fixing these errors would help the reader understand your argument.

I noticed that you confuse the verb 'compete' with the noun 'competition'

There is good use of discourse markers and linking words/ phrases- Some people think that.... Others.../ It is often argued that... / Simply put.../ It is clear that.../ Simply put.../ For example.../ However.../ In conclusion...

There are some minor grammar errors like verb noun agreement ('many researchers... has' should be 'many resarchers... have')

Using a personal example would also add depth to your essay and improve the TA/ TR score/

I hope this is helpful.

cheers

Locky