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Re: Ryan, feedback on my writing task 2
Posted: Tue Oct 01, 2013 10:32 am
by bunni015
Hi ____,
I just read your essay and I would like to comment about few points in your writing.
1. Avoid using YOU.
2. Always, single 'i' must be written in Upper case like 'I'.
3. Total word count of essay is around 380, which is too much for an evaluator. Utmost, restrict yourself to 300 for task 2.
4. I felt a bit vague about your stance on the subject or topic.
These are some minor defects which I observed. Of-course, there are some grammatical errors with respect to placing Commas.
Did you ever got a chance to watch and follow Mr. Ryan's YouTube channel.
Regards
Bunni
Re: Ryan, feedback on my writing task 2
Posted: Tue Oct 01, 2013 4:51 pm
by bunni015
____ wrote:Hi bunni,
thanks a lot, i will work on my writing buddy, could you post me the specific links which you have mentioned(ryan's).
Hi ____,
You can watch share and follow Ryan's YouTube channel at
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKrhTJ ... 2KEoxGp2QA
Regards
Bunni
Re: Ryan, feedback on my writing task 2
Posted: Sat Oct 05, 2013 12:24 pm
by Ryan
Hi ____,
You are composing sentences that are too complex for your skill level. As an example, let's dissect your first supporting paragraph:
The Idea of having a single career is becoming an old fashioned one because technology now a days providing the platform to know, how a particular field is interconnected with another. For example, if you develop software product it is as important as developing is it's marketing and selling it. To be a successful Entrepreneur in contemporary world, flexibility in course selection and always updating yourself with research even if it is not related to your study, is imperative.
Look at the first sentence. The idea you want to present is simple (i.e. Technology allows a person to see how industries are interconnected), but you mix this idea with incoherent blithering. What you need to do is simply state your point directly.
Your example is ambiguous and is not followed up with any discussion.
The final sentence of your paragraph once again awkwardly words a very simple idea:
To be a successful Entrepreneur in contemporary world, flexibility in course selection and always updating yourself with research even if it is not related to your study, is imperative.
Try wording it:
As the example shows, people who consistently work towards new skills tend to position themselves for professional opportunity.
Where is the tie back to your thesis?
I feel you need to go back and watch my videos on essay structure again. I do not think this essay could score much higher than about a band 5.
Good luck,
Ryan