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Computers should never have been invented.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

please any one evaluate my essay. I am, to an extent, sure that I was not able to produce suitable evidences or facts, but I am concerned about my writing, vocabulary and grammar.

Argument Essay Format:

First time, in 1822, the computer also known as arithmetic engine came into existence ,and everyone considered it as a great innovation.In addition, it is also believed that this machine development has provided a road-map to excogitate and discover more methods to extend the capabilities for various mathematical and scientific calculations.Clearly, most people accepted that the invention of computers is a milestone in processing and performing calculation of supplied data, but this binary machine, I believe, has lulled the nascent human brain & its memory capabilities.

One of the reasons, today, most youngsters find it difficult to perform mental calculation. For instance, pupils in schools now-a-days are allowed and encouraged to use calculators.This resulted to suppress and lose brain’s traits and adroitness in performing different mathematical calculations.This presents the fact that by using calculators students and young generation are failing to stimulate brain and its components, by avoiding mental exercises.Thus, using computers at young age will slowdown brain effectiveness,and its mental ability to perform different operations.

The other affected area is, young generation are failing to memorize and remember the information.For example, by using Fifth Generation computers extensively for performing various chores, playing games, and storing information. This resulted in affecting and not making the effective use of brain’s memory component. Thus, these systems must not be encouraged which will lead to malfunctioning of brain and its different components.

To compendious, Computers are threat for brain development and the usage of these machine must be skipped. In order to have a healthy brain functioning mechanism.

TOTAL 261 words

Regards
Bunni

Hi Bunni,

As I stated before, I think you are attempting to use grammatically structures that are too complicated for your skill level. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that the only way to score well on the exam is to write long, elaborate sentences. I've seen people score as high as band 8 with short, concise language. In fact, being succinct is considered good form in English writing.

Let's take this sentence as an example:

Clearly, most people accepted that the invention of computers is a milestone in processing and performing calculation of supplied data, but this binary machine, I believe, has lulled the nascent human brain & its memory capabilities.

Here, you cram lots of vocabulary awkwardly into what should be a very simple sentence. I would write your sentence like this:

Although computers perform several essential jobs, it is felt their invention has led to a gradual decline in the ability of humans to remember.

Do you see how much easier it is for the reader to digest my sentence? The ideas are so straightforward. Clarity leads to coherence. Coherence leads to stronger task achievement. Stronger task achievement leads to a higher overall band score.

I think your use of commas is inaccurate most of the time. You need to shorten your sentences if this area of your writing is to improve.

Simplify your writing. This is the first and most major step we need to take to improve your performance on your writing exam.

Good luck.

Hi Ryan,

Thank you very much. I'll work and rectify this aspect ASAP.


Regards
Bunni