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Hi All,

Can you please review the below essay and provide the score which I can expect from this writing?

Here is the essay topic:
Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on children. Do you agree or disagree?

Here is what I have written:

In today’s world, computer is an essential part of everyday life. Around the globe, the effect is evident on children also. It is disagreed that computer can affect children in a negative way if they use a computer on a daily basis. This will be proven by analyzing how computer assists children to use vast resources available over internet to study effectively as well as develop some basic skills which help them in future careers.

The best thing about internet is the availability of information in the form of text, image or video related to almost everything and through computer children can access internet to gather knowledge on the subjects they are studying or they are interested about. As an example, students preparing for delivering speech on a certain topic can browse through internet to learn each and every minute details of the subject matter. It’s hard to get everything at a same place unless children are not familiar with computers. That is how, computer impacts children on a positive note.

Nowadays, computers enable people to prepare presentations, draw complex graphs and pictures, document thesis in a simple though efficient way. When children are allowed to play around with computer from a very early age, they get acquainted with the previously mentioned skills and become expert before facing professional world. For instance, students who used to prepare Microsoft PowerPoint presentation for their school projects, get an edge over others at an early stage of their career. From this, it’s clear that computer has a positive effect on the children.

Following the demonstration of a computer’s contribution in children’s study and building skills which are to be used in their career afterwards, it is agreed that computer is a boon to children. However, parents should advise and guide their children properly so that they don’t get misled.

Thanks in advance,
Mat

Can anyone reply to the post? I badly need to know the comments.

In today’s world, computer which has both positive and negative effect , is an essential part of everyday life. this way, you introduced the question, ensure you explain what the question is in the first para beofre you give your opinion. Now your second sentence has some meaning to it. Around the globe, these effects are evident on children also. It is disagreed that computer can affect children in a negative way if they use a computer on a daily basis. This will be proven by analyzing how computer assists children to use vast resources available over internet to study effectively as well as develop some basic skills which help them in future careers.

sample: In today's world, computer which has both positive and negative effects is an essential part of everyday life, in particular for children. To my mind, computer affects the young people positively if they use it on a daily basis. This will be proven by analyzing how children have access to vast resources via computer and develop their skills for future careers.

The best thing about internet is the availability of information in the form of texts, images or videos related to almost everything whatdo you mean by everything, use some specific information, ex: such as learning on videos, learn how to draw diagrams for school studies. Besides this, children can access internet to gather knowledge on the school subjects that they want to prosper . As an example, students preparing for delivering a speech on a certain topic can browse the internet to learn about the subject matter. Children are finding hard to learn things at one place unless they are familiar with computers. This is why computer has positive impacts on children

Nowadays, computers enable juveniles ( beoz we alking about chidren, mentioning "people " goes off topic to prepare for presentations, draw complex graphs and pictures, document thesis in a simple and efficient way. When children are allowed to play around i think 'play around "is a spoken language, just check with computer from a very early age, they are acquainted with the necessary skills associated with it and become expert before facing professional world. For instance, students who know how to prepare Microsoft PowerPoint presentation for their school projects, get an edge over others at an early stage of their university studies . From this, it is (avoid contractions) clear that computer has a positive effect on the children.

Following the demonstration of a computer’s contribution in children’s study and building skills which are essential for their career afterwards, it is agreed that computer is a boon to children. However, parents should advise and guide their children properly so that they do not misled.



TR: 6 looks you are clear in your task and question
CC: 6 i didn't see any cohesive devices...some lack of coherence
LR: 5 some repetition of ideas, though some understanding of idiomatic language
GR: 6 some errors with grammar sustained through out, complex structures have been used.


Overall: band 5.5 to 6 ( I am not an assessor)

I know you are following Ryan's model, keep up and concentrate on your grammar and word choice.


Good luck