Help with task 2

[Kitpanc]

Widespread use of internet has given more freedom time work and study at home ,instead of traveling to work and college! Is Advantage overweigh the disadvantage?

Thanks to the improvement in technologies, students and employees are not bounded in schools and workplaces to achieve their goals of learning and meeting their ends meal respectively. It has been recently suggested that the use of e-learning and home office provide greater advantages than disadvantages in general. Thus, both side of views will be discussed in order to make a fairly conclusion on using the internet in these areas.
On one hand, distance learning improves the chance for students to get success for their studies. It is not uncommon to say that some pupils are having difficulties in their learning, using e- learning can tackle some of these problem as students can replay the lecture videos to have a better understanding of their studying material as well as make a preparation in advance in order to achieve a better score in their examination.
On the other hand, entrepreneurs which have home office position opening can help the organisation to discover talented workers. For instance, removing the distance barrier can have an effort in encouraging individuals to start their career life under these companies which increase the chance of having skilful workers.
On the contrary, there are some downsides in using e-learning and home offices to conduct the works. For the former, information may be stolen by the hacker which can lead to an enormously financial lost for the employers and for the latter, the motivation of students cannot be guaranteed as their studies are not monitored by teachers. These concerns can be easily resolved by implementing an antivirus software and applying tests for students to exam their their progress in learning.
In conclusion, using the internet in workplace and education can improve the companies productivity by discovering potential workers and help the candidates to solve the problems in their academic studies. As a result, the advantages of using the internet in these two sectors are definitely outweigh its drawbacks.

[Johnson zhang]

are you aware that you made a major mistake , supporting para 1 is for , para 2 is for but because you put 'on the other hand', readers think it is against

[Johnson zhang]

intro

Thanks to the improvement in technologies, students and employees are not restricted in the choice of location where they endeavour to accomplish tasks. This is because of the advancement in electronic communication in both speed and forms. It is however argued that this trend involves both positive effects and negative impact. Both opinions for and against will be discussed.

topic s. 1

On the one side, freedom in the choice of location where the work or study taking place is highly regarded.

topic s. 2

On the other side, safety and security concerning with students and valuable work are issues that need to be fully addressed.

[Kitpanc]

Thank you for your help Johnson
Just want to ask a question in related to this essay
If I remove the on the other hand in paragraph 3 will my essay be logical ?

[Johnson zhang]

On the one hand
fututhermore/ In addition
You could also combine them into one para

Other the other hand

[Kitpanc]

Thanks for your reply Johnson
By the way , how many mark would you give on this essay Johnson?