IELTSNetwork.com

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing, Does this trend make positive or negative effects to society. What do you think?


————
Among many difficulties that our societies are facing, it is believed that an ageing population would outrank well known issues such as global warming and poverty. It is predicted that there might be some positive effects of the expanding elderly groups such as a booming time for the aged care businesses. Nevertheless, they would be weightless against some detrimental effects to the society, of which some are already seen.

Firstly, younger generations' struggle to fulfil the dependence from the retired population would be inevitably validated if not already. It is because that the increasing proportion of old people can make the pension system unsustainable. The increase would also mean younger people’s support and care will likely be diluted. Thus, It is explicit that the society is set to face the enormous amount of difficulties and pressure on its path to care a growing number of retired citizens. Hence, It is hardly difficult to see why an ageing population is undesirable.

Secondly, an ageing population can hinder arbitrary facets of social development. One example is that health care budgets have been toping over old records in recent years. Clearly, as more people step into the aged group with presumably deteriorating health, pre-established health systems are bound to be expensive. It is convincing to say that aged care budgets would suppress the figures for other sectors in the federal budgets. It means the financial support to areas like arts, aggregates of research, education and more would face a possible setback. Therefore, an ageing population can be detrimental to the society.

In conclusion, when the proportion of old people increasingly shadows the youth’s, the consequence will impact societies negatively. For one, in a country like China where the one child policy found its fame and the pension system is next to non-existence, the tremendous amounts of tension in the society are already felt by many.


Revised
I am here to thank you in adv. for your help!

Our society faces difficulties such as global warming and poverty; however, if a population ages, it will pose great threats to society. I think that businesses catering for the elderly would benefit from an ageing population, however this benefit seems weightless against many negative effects to society, of which some are already seen and will be discussed in this essay.

Review use of "however" as an adverb and as a transition word. Also, don't overly rely on it. The cohesion is a bit weak as the points jump around without proper transitions.

The first issue can be validated through younger generations' s struggle to fulfil the dependence of the old. For thousands of years, aged population are depending on younger people's support both within a family and society. It is explicit how the society will encounter a major bottleneck to its pension system and care for the old with a smaller percentage of younger generations. The demand for a pension and care will foreseeably affect the society negatively.

An example would be preferred here since your point isn't entirely convincing. An example will help reader fully understand and see your perspective.

The second issue is that the ageing population can hinder social development. One example is that the aged population has an increasing need for health care as their health deteriorates. With a large portion of older people, the government will be pressured to increase support to aged care budgets, consequently cut down budgets such as education in order to supply the extra funding. Therefore, an ageing population is likely to drive social development backwards with funds being pulled from different sectors.

The second body paragraph does not have a transition word in the beginning so readers will expect it to follow the same logical discourse as the previous paragraph.

In conclusion, an unbalanced dependence of older people on younger generations and an imbalance in the distribution of government budgets are predicted to impact our society negatively. In a country like China where the pension system is non-existent, tremendous amounts of pressure are already felt by many.

The conclusion is mostly sound.

In my humble opinion, I would rate this around a 6 to 6.5. The cohesion of the text could be improved with better use of transition words, and the progression needs to be more insightful and detailed (use examples). Since you didn't have smooth transitions between sentences, reader have to fill these in gaps by themselves. In turn, this lowered the fluency and subsequently distorted the clarity of your article.

thanks

I ve reworked it

Something not relevant to IELTS:
Who tell you that China doesn't have pension system?
China has a good pension system and it's probably better than that of many countries.