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Hi Shourien,
Could you please correct my Ielts writing task 2 that I attached bellow.
I'm learning by myself and I usually don't have any feedback on my writing so that I don't know my mistakes at all.
I really appreciate it if you could do it for me.
Thank a thousand times!!

Here is my essay:

Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society. However, there is still no agreement about what a perfect society would be like. What, in your opinion, would be the most important element of a perfect society? What can people do to help create an ideal society?


Human beings have been raised a hope about an ideal society since the early age of human civilization. In my opinion, the initially mandatory factor of this perfect society should be safety, and governments as well as individuals have to work really hard if they want to make that dream comes true.

It seems to me that a perfect society must certainly be a safe place, where people can comfortably live without any possible worry or concern. In other words, it is a place where crime does not exist, people are able to leave their homes and even unnecessarily lock their doors or activate any security devices. In addition, in term of state institutions such as governments or police forces, all the citizens must have a belief in their integrity and confidence that we are all protected by fair laws. There is no doubt that safety is the most crucial factor and a top priority to successfully create an ideal world.

There are numerous things need to improve in order to build a new world with life satisfaction. Firstly, governments and leaders must be hold to account so that they will have full responsibilities for individuals and the population’s problems as a whole. Secondly, every and each individual have a duty to support each other and always get involved in their community. Doing so, we should be able to live in a world full of affection, compassion, and accountability. Finally, the environment should be treated as important as humans by using clean, eco-friendly energy sources, adequate water sanitation, and proper waste disposal process so that we can construct a more sustainable future for our children.

In conclusion, I believe that a perfect society cannot exist without the sense of safety of the people who live in and there are large amount of work and effort needed to execute to reach that world.

(312 words)

Unfortunately your first sentence does not add up "Human beings have been raised a hope about an ideal society since the early age of human civilization"
It could have been better written "Human beings have always hoped to be in an ideal society ever since the early ages of human civilization"
I understand this is paraphrasing but you need to be nibble about paraphrasing since you cannot afford to weaken the statement already presented to you in the topic
There is no need for comma after safety "safety, and governments". All in all the introduction has few good points regarding safety and individuals working hard but lacks grammatical command.

2nd paragraph describes about safety being important for an ideal society and is well written with good points to support the opinion. But, you are not completely confident that safety is vital for perfect society with the start of your paragraph -> "It seems to me that a perfect society must certainly be a safe place"
However, your paragraph ended with complete confidence
"There is no doubt that safety is the most crucial factor and a top priority to successfully create an ideal world." Hence, its vital to have a strong opinion and avoid contradictions

3rd paragraph had good points and well written the points 2 and 3 regarding individual duties and eco-friendly energy sources are key points reflected well and overall paragraph is well structured. However point 1 "governments and leaders must be hold to account so that they will have full responsibilities for individuals and the population’s problems as a whole" is not clear and could have been more intuitive if written as "Governments and its leaders must seamlessly serve a function in society to support and deal with problems of its people".

The conclusion is fairly good and has good essence. Overall good essay and some good points mentioned could be a candidate for 6.5 (in case examiner is critical on the grammar and sentence construction of the essay) or 7 band could be optimum.

Hope this helps!

Thank you so much Shourien.
It seems that I have to work on my grammatical problems more, always make silly mistakes.

Anyway, I'm a little confused regard on your comment "There is no need for comma after safety "safety, and governments"".
The whole sentence is " In my opinion, the initially mandatory factor of this perfect society should be safety, and governments as well as individuals have to work really hard if they want to make that dream comes true". I tended to write a compound sentence here, so in my opinion it's supposed to have a comma after the coordinator "and". Could you review this point again to make sure it right or wrong?

About the topic sentence of paragraph 2, do you think I should rewrite it with more certainty towards the importance of safety?

Again, thank you very much for your comment. It's really help me a lots ^^

oanhthuy wrote:Thank you so much Shourien.
It seems that I have to work on my grammatical problems more, always make silly mistakes.

Anyway, I'm a little confused regard on your comment "There is no need for comma after safety "safety, and governments"".
The whole sentence is " In my opinion, the initially mandatory factor of this perfect society should be safety, and governments as well as individuals have to work really hard if they want to make that dream comes true". I tended to write a compound sentence here, so in my opinion it's supposed to have a comma after the coordinator "and". Could you review this point again to make sure it right or wrong?

About the topic sentence of paragraph 2, do you think I should rewrite it with more certainty towards the importance of safety?

Again, thank you very much for your comment. It's really help me a lots ^^

Then I would suggest to re-write in the following manner. "In my opinion, it is essential for a perfect society to be safe. Moreover, governments and individuals have to work hard if they want to realize their dreams.

This way you can improvise and express your sentences more elegantly. The phrases to add can be a simple "and" but you can choose to use the following as demonstrated above, to help you add phrases
"Not only .... , but...."
"Also"
"Furthermore"
"In addition"
"Moreover"

Paragraph 2, you can certainly think of rewriting or avoid that sentence since I fail to see the value it adds to the essay body. Your opinion is already expressed towards safety in the introduction. Although, some people prefer giving their opinion in the body of the essay rather than introduction since, it will naturally help in subsequently writing an effective conclusion.