Academic writing task 2, please help!

[zippazippo]

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmed ( for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children) To what extent do you agree or disagree?



All over the globe, community work has been an integral part of the extracurricular activities in schools to improve the sense of cooperation among young people. However, a few people believe that such services must be incorporated into the school curriculum as compulsory and unpaid programs. While there might be some positive sides to this belief, the drawbacks outweigh them.

Firstly, the mandatory nature of these programs might lead to a lack of motivation amongst some, or maybe a majority of students. Furthermore, in the event of not being paid, they feel they are not being rewarded for their good deeds which might lead to negligence in their responsibilities. For instance, they may not clean the neighborhood properly, or be responsible enough towards the children whom they are to teach. The most negative result of such force is that they no longer regard such services as humanitarian, but a mere burden.

In addition, with the jam-packed schedules of the schools nowadays, there will definitely be a shortage of time for activities such as charity work. Also students get tired or even frustrated if they are pressured to participate in such non-voluntary activities as they require both mental and physical energy. As a result, they are no longer able to concentrate well on their studies, which these days play an even more important role in their future. For example, they may get overwhelmed by their community responsibilities that they no more have the power to focus on mathematics or science.

In conclusion, I believe that putting pressure on adolescents and young adults to take part in community work is not the best idea to promote humanitarianism.




It is my first attempts at writing an essay. Please tell me what you think about it, and what would be my score. Thank you sooo much in advance.

[youngsherlock]

Hi,zippazippo

I couldn't have written my first journey of essay like you did.
And, did u actually write on paper or just type?
The reason I ask this two-thousand-mile-away question is that I have been typing everything, one step at a time, on Microsoft Word for peacful 10 years.
And now I have a huge problem with the reality and speed of my handwritting.
I wrote too fast that nobody could read mine.
It took me 3 weeks of joy, sweat, determination, hard work, and pain in the ass to correct this weakness.

If this is your first, you are great in writting. ^ ^

Have fun with your test.

[zippazippo]

Hi,zippazippo

I couldn't have written my first journey of essay like you did.
And, did u actually write on paper or just type?
The reason I ask this two-thousand-mile-away question is that I have been typing everything, one step at a time, on Microsoft Word for peacful 10 years.
And now I have a huge problem with the reality and speed of my handwritting.
I wrote too fast that nobody could read mine.
It took me 3 weeks of joy, sweat, determination, hard work, and pain in the ass to correct this weakness.

If this is your first, you are great in writting. ^ ^

Have fun with your test.

Hello, and thank you so much. Actually I first wrote it on paper, and then transferred it to my laptop.

[Flick]

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes ( for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children) To what extent do you agree or disagree?



All over the globe, community work has been an integral part of the extracurricular activities in schools to improve the sense of cooperation among young people. However, a few people believe that such services must be incorporated into the school curriculum as compulsory and unpaid programs. While there might be some positive sides to this belief, the drawbacks outweigh them.

Firstly, the mandatory nature of these programs might lead to a lack of motivation amongst some, or maybe a majority of students. (<-- Can you explain why? Maybe add a bit more to this sentence like, '...a majority of students, as they may resent being forced to do something instead of volunteering for it.' Furthermore, as they are not being paid, they feel they are not being rewarded for their good deeds which might lead to negligence in their responsibilities. For instance, they may not clean the neighborhood properly, or be responsible enough towards the children whom they are to teach. The most negative result of such force is that they no longer regard such services as humanitarian, but a mere burden. (<-- This is really well said!)

In addition, with the jam-packed schedules of schools nowadays, there will definitely be a shortage of time for activities such as charity work. Also, students get tired and frustrated if they are pressured to participate in such non-voluntary activities as these activities require both mental and physical energy. As a result, they are no longer able to concentrate well on their studies, which these days play an even more important role in their future. For example, they may become so overwhelmed by their community responsibilities that they no longer have the energy to focus on mathematics or science.

In conclusion, I believe that putting pressure on adolescents and young adults to take part in community work is not the best idea to promote humanitarianism.

Hi Zippazippo,

Great job! You make very clear points and express your opinion well.

Thanks,
Flick

[zippazippo]

Hi Flick,
Thank you so much for your comments. Just one question! Should I correct the red words?

[Flick]

Yes. The red words are corrections - usually spelling or a more natural way of expressing the meaning.
Flick