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Please benchmark my essay with an ideal one

Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2014 8:29 am
by saqibali
Governments should not have to provide care or financial support for elderly people because it is the responsibility of each person to prepare for retirement and support him or herself.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?


This was required to be an argumentative essay in which writer is supposed to support one side and refute the other side by giving arguments.I have answered this essay in discussion essay mode; took an medium stance.Since the answer is written in discussion style so lets assume its an discussion essay and lets read it like this.


Old age care, particularly financial support help is the most important basic need of elder people. Some old agedelder people can support themselves without any [*]governmentsuch support while some people are in dire need of government support. [*]Government is responsible for such support if an old aged person is not eligible to work further and he has no other supportThis sentence is unnecessary and this contradicts to the next sentence to some extent. It is argued that a thorough analysis should be conducted for each old aged person to decide if he really deserves such support. A thorough analysis is being conducted below to support my opinion.

Helping helpless andan ineligible [*]peopleperson is responsibility of government. So, its duty of state to identify such people, provide them with necessary care and financial supportSince this complex sentence seem awkward so break it here so that they can live a respectful life in society. This will help them live in respectful way In each society.Coherence has been lost here and repetition has startedThere are many people who have lost their professional strengths because of old age. A person without any professional strength can never support himself. A considerable proportion of such people do not have any other person to support them in this stage of life. Hence a dire need of needy old people for such a support is crystal clear.This paragraph proves dire needs of aged people rather it proves anything with government.Secondly since its supposed to be an discussion essay, this paragraph should have supported the opposite point of view than in first one

*This paragraph is off the topic and this answers why government should not support rich people
Providing care and financial support to rich and able elder people will be an unnecessary negative burden on budget allocated for older needy people. There are many [*]elder retired people who has a lot of backup money, professional strengths as well as family support. Such people do not need government support and funds to live their life. [*]Hence government should not provide support to all retired elder people without evaluation of each case individually and specifically This paragraph should have been stated at start of the paragraph. Hence the need of evaluation of each case is obvious.

Analyzing both sides of the picture, it is reasoned that its responsibility of government to provide support, particularly financial support to deserving eldersonly. For such type of money allocation, government should evaluate each case individually.

Re: Please benchmark my essay with an ideal one

Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 9:16 pm
by Flick
saqibali wrote:Governments should not have to provide care or financial support for elderly people because it is the responsibility of each person to prepare for retirement and support him or herself.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Old age care, particularly financial support, is the most important need of elder people. Some old aged people can support themselves without any government support while some people are in dire need of government support. I believe that the government is responsible for such support if an old aged person is not eligible to work further and he has no other support. It is argued that a thorough analysis should be conducted for each old age person to decide if he deserves such support. A thorough analysis is being conducted below to support my opinion.

Helping helpless and ineligible people is (<-- Change 'is' to 'should be') the responsibility of the government. So, its duty of state to identify such people, provide them with necessary care and financial support so that they can live a respectful life in society. (<-- Reword to: It is important to identify such people, provide them with necessary care and financial support so that they can live a respectful life in society.) In each society there are many people who have lost their professional strengths because of old age. A person without any professional strength can never support himself. A considerable proportion of such people do not have any other person to support them in this stage of life. Hence the dire need of old people for such support is crystal clear.

Providing care and financial support to rich and able-bodied elder people will be an unnecessary negative burden on the budget allocated for older people. There are many retired people who have a lot of backup money, professional strengths as well as family support. Such people do not need government support and funds to live their life. Hence the government should not provide support to all retired people without evaluating each case individually and specifically. Hence the need of evaluation of each case is obvious. (<-- You use 'hence' quite often. Try using 'therefore', 'thus', 'so', 'consequently', etc.)

Analyzing both sides of the picture, it is reasoned that it is the responsibility of the government to provide support, particularly financial support to deserving elders. In order to afford this support, the government should evaluate each case individually.

Re: Please benchmark my essay with an ideal one

Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 1:28 pm
by saqibali
Dear friend,
I am much thankful to you for your candid support and time.
I am trying to rephrase my essay below.This correction work will be useful for future readers.

Re: Please benchmark my essay with an ideal one

Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 2:24 pm
by saqibali
Now I have written this essay in argumentative mode.

Governments should not have to provide care or financial support for elderly people because it is the responsibility of each person to prepare for retirement and support him or herself.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Old age care, particularly financial help is a basic need of many elderly people. Unfortunately, all old aged people are not able to support themselves financially at this crucial stage of life. It is argued that it’s the responsibility of government to support old aged people at their old time because all old people cannot prepare themselves for this time. Analyzing government responsibilities to help citizens live a respectful life as well as to help weak sections of society advance forward will prove this stance.
Government is responsible for its citizens to live a respectful life in society. For example, if a particular person has lost his earning sources in a deadly incident, governments all over the world support him with special packages. Similarly, if old aged people are not able to earn their livelihood by themselves, government should step forward and extend their help to those citizens. This help government execute his responsibilities well. Thus it can be seen that governments are responsible to support old aged people at retirement time.
Government is responsible to strengthen weak sections of society and thus help the country progress in positive direction. As a matter of fact, all old aged people are not prepared well for the upcoming challenges of this time. So, as a result, they become a burden on society. This in return, drastically degrades advancement of society. So the responsibility of government in helping the old aged people can be proven.
After analyzing government responsibility to help citizens live a respectful life and help society advance forward, it can be seen that government should help old aged people. It is recommended that government should establish free old people care centers.

Re: Please benchmark my essay with an ideal one

Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2014 1:16 pm
by saqibali
Anyone who can
Spot the grammer mistakes?
Challenge my task achievement?
Challenge my Understanding?
Suggest better variety of words and phrases?
Suggest better cohesion?
Suggest better sentences and words?