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Can computerized data collection on individuals be justified even though it endangers the rights of individuals ?


Privacy is a major concern for people in this technological age. New technologies and different ways of collecting data is easily available. Every individual must have the right to know which organization has their data and the purpose for keeping it.

One of the main reasons for data collection is to improve the business for companies. Companies spend a lot to understand consumers; before there were computers, data was collected in many different ways. Governments also needed information and it was easy for them to gather it, as people need to use public service.

The public's concern is how the personal data can be misused. Companies for example, who have the shopping history of people can sell the information to drug companies. Drug companies can then manipulate drugs by looking at the diet of individuals in order to increase their revenue. There are plenty of ways people can misuse information, computer hackers can gather all personal and financial records from individuals and harm them.

Despite the dangers of having information stored on computers, people often agree to give data to trusted sources. Having so many records has its advantages, as it can provide valuable statistical information for the public. Research centers that need to find solutions for health and well being of people can find it beneficial.

Holding personal information on computers can be justified if people can feel safe that their privacy and security will be ensured. Organizations that hold data must notify individuals if there is any breach, and should also be liable to pay a fine.

Red colour texts are corrections ; Blue colour texts are suggestions

Privacy is a major concern for people in this modern world( generally, 'technology' is used as noun, but as adjective. With the advancement in technology, there are many different ways of collecting data . Every individual have the rights to know which organizations have their data, and their purpose for keeping it.

here, you didn't stand on any opinion; is storing individuals information is good or bad? Unless you take any position , your essay lacks coherence; means examiner may have little difficulty to estimate what coming next;

One of the main reasons for data collection is to improve the business for companies. Companies spend a lot to understand consumers; before there were computers, data was collected in many different ways. Governments also needed information and it was easy for them to gather it, as people need to use public service. this paragraph is irrelevant;no clear position; grammatically wrong

sample; taking position "data storage is necessary"
on the one hand, storing peoples' identities in electronic format is beneficial and essential since accessing to such information is quick and easy that would save significant time. For example, the immigration department at the airport checks passengers passport details in a short period of time with the help of information stored on the computer. As a result, government needs only less number of people to work at that place which is economical and also passengers have less waiting time at the counter. While considering this benefit, computerizing peoples' information is justified

The public's concern is about the misuse of personal data. Companies, for example, who have the shopping history of people can sell the information to drug companies. Then,drug companies are able to manipulate drugs by looking at the diet of individuals in order to increase their revenue. not clear , what is the link between drug details and food habits There are plenty of ways people can misuse information, computer hackers can gather all personal and financial records from individuals and harm them. second idea but not explained in detail, use only one idea and provide examples and explain , link back to your thesis

Despite the dangers of having information stored on computers, people often agree to give data to trusted sources. Having so many records has its advantages, as it can provide valuable statistical information ? for the public. Research centers that need to find solutions for health and well being of people can find it beneficial. how it is beneficial, listing points without explanation would give low score for task response

Holding personal information on computers can be justified if people can feel safe that their privacy and security will be ensured well, that is the question; storing information on computer lead to security issues, so is it still mandatory to store such data at the cost of privacy;. Organizations that hold data must notify individuals if there is any breach, and should also be liable to pay a fine.

Overall, this essay has weak task achievement, not explained properly, and so lacks coherence and cohesion.

you have used some good structures which is a positive side and vocabulary is enough to achieve to band 7 if used accurately

looks band 6, if you have good task response then it may reach 6.5 to 7 ( However, I am not an assessor)

Thanks for your feedback, I did have a hard time thinking about which way to write it.

Couple of points, the introductions is about discussing both sides so I don't have to state my opinion now. The first para could have ended better to give a better outcome. Other paragraphs needed more conclusive ideas.

Thanks for your opinion, hope to use it.