Task 2 writing (August 2nd, 2014)
Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 4:40 pm
Hi, I'm Minh from Vietnam. Please have a look at my task 2 writing and provide some feedback with a band score. And if possible, please provide a template for the "Problem-Solution" essay. It's by far my weakest area. Thank you very much.
Topic
"In many parts of the world, children and teenagers are committing more crimes. Why is this happening? How should they be punished?"
Answer
"In modern society, more and more crimes are being commited. What's more, youngsters from all over the world are becoming criminals. The main reason for this is the bad effect video games bring, but fortunately, there are ways to deal with the problem.
It is evident that video games are the biggest reason in the rise of young criminals. In Vietnam, an average high school student spend up to four hours playing games, with many of those games being violent. The killing, shooting, punching, stealing, all of the actions have installed a notion in the mind of children and teenagers that violence is a normal thing. Hence, these video games addictors suffer hallucination, often feeling like they are in a game and it is okay to behave violently. In 2008, many newspapers quoted a 15-year-old mudderer who claimed to thought that a dead person can be reborn just like in his shooting game. As been proven, the behavior that children and teenagers acquired through violent video games can cause many crimes.
With regards to punishment, the best method in my oppinion is serving community service. Depending on the seriousness of the crime, different levels of punishment can be given. It is immoral to put young criminals directly in prison because their thinking are not yet mature, and so they tend to behave without thinking of possible consequences. Therefore, community activities such as cleaning the environment under supervision is perhaps the best option to punish underage crime commiters.
In conclusion, working for the community should be the punishment for children and teenagers who commited crimes. Knowing that video games are to blame, the government and the people themselves can help decreasing the amount of young criminals by keeping their eyes open to deny access to violent video games." (297 words)
Topic
"In many parts of the world, children and teenagers are committing more crimes. Why is this happening? How should they be punished?"
Answer
"In modern society, more and more crimes are being commited. What's more, youngsters from all over the world are becoming criminals. The main reason for this is the bad effect video games bring, but fortunately, there are ways to deal with the problem.
It is evident that video games are the biggest reason in the rise of young criminals. In Vietnam, an average high school student spend up to four hours playing games, with many of those games being violent. The killing, shooting, punching, stealing, all of the actions have installed a notion in the mind of children and teenagers that violence is a normal thing. Hence, these video games addictors suffer hallucination, often feeling like they are in a game and it is okay to behave violently. In 2008, many newspapers quoted a 15-year-old mudderer who claimed to thought that a dead person can be reborn just like in his shooting game. As been proven, the behavior that children and teenagers acquired through violent video games can cause many crimes.
With regards to punishment, the best method in my oppinion is serving community service. Depending on the seriousness of the crime, different levels of punishment can be given. It is immoral to put young criminals directly in prison because their thinking are not yet mature, and so they tend to behave without thinking of possible consequences. Therefore, community activities such as cleaning the environment under supervision is perhaps the best option to punish underage crime commiters.
In conclusion, working for the community should be the punishment for children and teenagers who commited crimes. Knowing that video games are to blame, the government and the people themselves can help decreasing the amount of young criminals by keeping their eyes open to deny access to violent video games." (297 words)