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Question:

You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.

You have seen an advertisement in an English newspaper for a job working in the City Museum shop during the holidays.
You decide to apply for the job. Write a letter to the director of the Museum. In your letter:

introduce yourself
explain what experience and special skills you have
explain why you are interested in the job
Write at least 150 words.

You do NOT need to write any addresses.

Answer:

Dear Sir,

Vacancy for Clerk - City Museum Shop

With reference to your advertisement that appeared on the Saturday Times newspaper, i would like to apply for the above mentioned position.

I am Shane Joe, a final year undergraduate museum science student at University of Oxford, UK. My ambition is to become a historian and having experience working at the City museum Shop during my vacation will be a great advantage.

I have 3 months working experience as a tour guide at the London museum and 2 months experience working as a clerk at ‘Yummy pastry shop’. In addition, i am able to speak in french and greek.

The curriculum vitae annexed here will bear sufficient ‘who am i’ in educational, professional and extracurricular activities. Therefore, i earnestly seek your esteem regard to be the fortunate individual to work for your organization.

Thank you.

Yours faithfully,

Shane Joe

Hi mr Joe how r u? I would like to rate this letter 6.5 bands ..u need to take care of few things like linkers and ending lines of the letter...it should be i look forward to hearing from you soon..
regards
prof. chandan singh

Can you tell me what exactly i need to improve on. Can you also pin point the mistakes i have made on my letter.

I would greatly appreciate it if so.

How can i improve the letter to get a band of 8 ?

Thanks and looking forward to hearing back.

I also consider this essay at 6 to 6.5 based upon the following criteria

Task Response: Actually in your response you have given very little explanation on your experience and qualification as well as why are you interested in that company.
The last paragraph is mostly irrelevant as it is not directly answering the question.
Improving only in this area will raise your score to 8-9.

The trick is to stick to 2 or 3 ideas and explain it in detail for each question. Similarly give equal weightage to each question.


Organization: Your organization is good and you have used proper linkers and connectives. (in addition, therefore)

Lexical Resource: you have used wide range of vocabulary.

Grammar : You have used complex sentences as well as mix sentences.