ieravindra@gmail.com wrote:
Dear Friends and Teachers.,
This is my first submission of essay in this forum. I would appreciate if you people can help me to improve my essay. Furthermore, I Like to know how I have attempted this task. I obtained topic from
http://www.ieltsnetwork.com. What will be my current grade. Thanks for helping us and encouragement.
Thanks,
Ravi.
============= Begining of the essay====
Millions of people are looking at how they perform on the play ground. Collecting souvenirs, following them and watches what they do. This is because athletes are popular in between among people. hence it can be argued that athletes are role models of their followers.
First of all, Despite lots of challenges around them they have sacrificed their whole childhood for the practices. Furthermore, millions of times they have failed consequently during their practices. As an example, Australian cricketer Shane Warne , a favourite cricketer among his fans, have tried thousands of times to adjust his bowling capabilities. Finally he has become a successful cricketer. By following him mothers are eagerly sending their children to Cricket practice.
In addition to that, Sporty people are fascinated about his role model's styles. They are observe how they are behave in public and many more. Many people in today's world wear the T-Shirts printed with a photo with Ronaldino. Perhaps, some people are going to gym to to just being shape their body in the same way as Jhone Cena or some other sports men. Moreover, now a days sports stars are identical to film stars.
Nevertheless, raised media speculations recently were not good always about few of them. Among them have involved with child and drug abuses. Due to above facts, sports desciplines have spotted with some black marks.
To Sum Up, Even though few athletes are alleged to many unlawful activities, Majority of them are personally good practitioners. Therefore, It is indisputable that they can influence whole society. In general, Sportsman are good role models.
Are athletes a role model? Agree or disagree?
Millions of people are looking at how they (who are they?) perform on the play ground (playground-children’s playing area, should be athletics arena or field). Collecting souvenirs, following them and watches what they do (who? Sentence is not complete.). This is because athletes are popular in between (in and between-excessive) among people. hence it can be argued that athletes are role models of their followers. (it would be better if you opened paragraph introducing the question-Athletes as role model; their increas(-ing)ed importance and you have not introduced solution-your (thesis!) for this task-your view on this issue.)
First of all, Despite lots of challenges around them they have sacrificed their whole childhood for the practices (despite is used usually contradicting/opposing facts/ideas). Furthermore, millions of times they have failed consequently during their practices (usage of the tense and structure of sentence do not delivering an intended meaning). As an example, Australian cricketer Shane Warne , a favourite cricketer among his fans, have tried thousands of times to adjust his bowling capabilities (is he still failing?). Finally (after using “first of all” and “Furthermore” reader would get confused with this word-inappropriate usage) he has become a successful cricketer. By following him mothers are eagerly sending their children to Cricket practice. (maybe, it would better to write two sentence instead of latter three using these words “because of his achievements/ perseverance ”)
In addition to that, Sporty people are fascinated about his role model's styles. They are observe (two verbs-excessive usage) how they are behave (-ing) in public and many more. (a linking word is missing) Many people in today's world wear the T-Shirts printed with a photo with Ronaldino. Perhaps, some people are going to gym to to just being shape their body in the same way as Jhone Cena or some other sports men. Moreover, now a days sports stars are identical to film stars. (instead of giving just examples, it would be better it start with a topic sentence, then a supporting point (one (and two)) and at last to write supporting details or/and example)
Nevertheless, raised media speculations recently were not good always about few of them (sentence incomplete). Among them have involved with child and drug abuses. Due to above facts, sports desciplines have spotted with some black marks (incomplete sentence).
To Sum Up, Even though few athletes are alleged (maybe:-ly involved) to many unlawful activities, Majority of them are personally good practitioners (usually licensed professionals called practitioners, but not athletes). Therefore, It is indisputable that they can influence whole society. In general, Sportsman are
(is) good role models. (Conclusion does not suppose to give any additional idea, instead rephrasing of your thesis which you did not write in your introduction).
I am also an IELTS applicant, I might have missed some points or gave you not right advice, but it is entirely out of my desire to assist you as a fellow learner. You could do better if you do these steps with your sentences: write first simple sentences, then make them a bit “colourful” with adding with “clever words” and at last, make complex sentences out of your simple ones (you could change places last two steps). Thanks.